In this series on shame we had some fun with it, defined it, and practically explained how culturally bound and complicated shame-filled groups can become.

Q – Why Do We Still Choose Shame?

A – Shame “Solves Problems.”

If you are:
1. Are you angry? Smile.
2. Feeling afraid? Act tough.
3. Feeling hurt? Hide it.
4. Feeling like a mess? Cover it up.
5. Feeling weak? Tough it out.
6. Feeling worried? Don’t worry. Be happy.
7. Just got “caught’? Deny it.

It might seem like problem solving, but sublimating can easily become shaming.

You’ve heard it said, “You ought to be ashamed of yourself. Shame on you.”

Sadly, more than one parent has used shame and humiliation to try to change the behavior of their children.

We have a lot of them, cultural blunders.

Here are a few blunders, but there are thousands more.
– Walking around with your “fly” undone.
– Farting in an elevator.
– Talking loudly during a movie.
– Singing, loud, off key.
– Throwing a tantrum in public.
– Breaking something in a store.
– Dirtying, or staining, your good clothes.

Rules Change

I love listening to my old music.  I love breaking out a Bruce Springsteen concert or playing Rush’s La Villa Strangiato.

I also love learning about newer artists. 

Recently my son Josh’s girlfriend Taylor introduced me to metalcore bands I hadn’t heard.  Now I listen to Acacia Strain, Asking Alexandria, Dead By April, and Motionless in White.  I admit, they won’t make the daily list, but they will spin in my media player.

By the way, what music are you listening to that I should consider listening to too?

Deep Music

Yesterday “My Story” captured parents, presents and my pigeon-toed childhood.  You’ll find it here.

Today you’ll meet my sister Kristie.

My Sister

I grew up in suburban Chicago with my mom, dad, and sister, Kristie. 

This is my sister Kristie and me.  It’s one of my favorite pictures of us together.  I would like to say we were always this sweet, cute and happy.

We often were, unless I was being selfish, impatient or a brat.  You know, I really love my sister and I always have, but somehow in the midst of wanting to control the TV — or something else equally trivial — stupid attitudes intervened far too often.

I grew up with my sister Kristie and the two girls next door.  There were many days that a blanket was hung on the front steps from the hand rail on either side of the concrete steps.

In the shade of the blanket we would play “house”. 

Kids Playing House

Playing “house” was an activity in which we pretended to be an imaginary family.  “House” had loose rules, roles and responsibilities; unless, of course, I got it wrong.  Which I often did.

Pretend-play was a challenge for me when I was little.

Today’s my daughter Shannon’s 21st birthday.  If you want you can bless her with your happy birthday wishes here is her Facebook page.

Lots of people get drunk on their 21st birthday.  Shannon could.  She will choose not to. 

Someone asked me, “Would you even let her drink?”  I smiled. 

Shannon has spent many years in our family listening, arguing, teasing, negotiating, following, avoiding and ignoring our rules.  Fortunately, she’s generally chosen wisely.

She does not often need us to tell her right and wrong.  She has to choose.

Blessed With A Legacy

Being a dad is hard; harder than I realized it would be.

I knew it would be a challenge.  I was nervous when Amy wanted to become parents.  I knew it was a lot of responsibility.  I knew it might be a thankless job.  I knew what tough times I put my parents through.

I also knew that I wanted to be a good dad.  I wanted to be the kind of dad that got it right.

In my list of life goals I wrote, “I want to be the kind of dad that my kids love and admire.”

Why do people cut?  There are many reasons.  One reason is the fear of the unknown.  He cut because he is afraid.  She continues to cut because she knows the subtle benefits that prompted her to begin cutting initially.  She’s afraid to stop.  He fears that if he stops cutting he may make his life worse.

What they don’t know seems scarier than their present level of pain or anxiety.

People want to feel safe.  We want to feel secure.  We prefer control.  We resist change.

Why People Resist Change

When I was a young man my friends Steve Schesvold, Dave Murphy and David Villringer would tease me for my recklessness.

One morning at the conclusion of a Grace Community Church pancake breakfast I needed to dispose of my paper plate.  Being “blessed” with both laziness and misguided self-confidence I threw away my plate. Unfortunately, I attempted to throw away my crumb-filled, syrup-laden plate from across the room, over tables, around other people and into the trash can.

I failed.

I cannot recall all the specifics, but I know I missed the can and hit an innocent bystander with my less that aerodynamic plate.

Three weeks ago, in the first conversation we ever had she – I’ll call her “Winnie” – screamed at me in public.

I had confronted her boyfriend for breaking the TreeHouse P.D.A. (public display of affection) rules.  He didn’t deny it and never complained about how I addressed him.

Winnie, on the other hand, screamed at me in full view of everyone: “That’s so unfair.  You’re just like my father.   I want to ******* kill you!!!”  Mustering up some more venom, she added, “I’d like to tear your ******* head off!!!”