I’ve made many mistakes in my life.
Many of them could easily have been avoided.

Fortunately, not one of my mistakes has ended in the headlines.

Headlines

Dallas Morning News reported today that Major League baseball player, “Rangers’ Josh Hamilton has relapse with alcohol at area bar.”  USA Today, Washington Post, Fox Sports, it’s on the news, it’s filling the headlines.

“Someone went to a bar” is hardly news. “Someone had a few drinks” isn’t either.  Unless that someone is, as Jeff Passan described him, the “most famous addict in sports.”  Then, everyone who knows about you knows that that’s a problem.  Josh Hamilton’s story of self-destruction, sobriety, redemption and success have been well-documented including his autobiographical Beyond Belief: Finding the Strength to Come Back.

When I was a child I loved black licorice, cherry licorice, chocolate, and, well, almost all candy.  Candy was tasty, and in short supply in my house.  Candy, I believed, brought me happiness.  I wanted candy, and I needed cash to buy candy. 

I picked up pennies in the ground, checked phone booths and candy machines for unclaimed change.  I was always on the lookout for stray money.

Stray Money

When I was eleven or so I went with a youth leader and a group of boys for pizza.  I must admit I’m not certain what my previous experiences were in restaurants, but I know what I did that night.

In this series on shame we had some fun with it, defined it, and practically explained how culturally bound and complicated shame-filled groups can become.

Q – Why Do We Still Choose Shame?

A – Shame “Solves Problems.”

If you are:
1. Are you angry? Smile.
2. Feeling afraid? Act tough.
3. Feeling hurt? Hide it.
4. Feeling like a mess? Cover it up.
5. Feeling weak? Tough it out.
6. Feeling worried? Don’t worry. Be happy.
7. Just got “caught’? Deny it.

It might seem like problem solving, but sublimating can easily become shaming.

To recap, I had lost faith, given up hope and my solutions I chose left me feeling guilty, dirty and foolish.

Any one of my miserable days, lonely nights or stupid decisions could have been life-altering, but it was a conversation with an equally lost friend that changed my life.

My Journey

Fortunately, since I was seven, a guy named Steve Schesvold, cared about me.

Steve invited me to join him in church.

Recently I’ve written about the value of self-esteem insurance.  Access your strengths first.  Admit your weaknesses second.

Bad Habit, Deep Roots

Friday while helping friends move I saw Marla’s Caribbean Cuisine.  I wanted a menu.

For no apparent reason when I pulled into the parking lot I thought to myself, “I’ll just say I just moved into the neighborhood. They’ll gladly give me a takeout menu.”

It made no sense.
– If they had takeout menus, they would gladly give me one.
– If they did not, saying I was new to the neighborhood would not create one.

I began at TreeHouse in 1989. More than twenty years later and I’m still amazed each week in our support groups.  Teens and parents bare their souls, reveal their flaws, expose their wounds and share words of wisdom.  I’m so proud of the thousands who have chosen to embrace their pain that they might find healing and wholeness.  It’s their courage that inspires me to challenge my other readers to embrace their pain too.

Embracing your pain is hard.

Why do cutters cut?  There are many reasons.  Many cutters have a fear of stopping.  They feel incapable of dealing with deeper forms of pain without cutting.

Shana Schutte, writing for Focus On The Family, quoted her college roommate, “People who haven’t cut can’t understand how it can make you feel better… but it does. It’s like bursting a huge bubble,” she said. “You feel like you are going to explode and you don’t know what to do with the emotional pain. When you cut, there is a kind of release or freedom in it. Then, it’s like an emotional high. You release all this pain that’s been building and building. Like any addiction, it’s a coping mechanism.”

Overcoming the fear of being exposed is one of the keys to breaking the bondage of the tricks and lies about cutting.

The Fear Of Exposure Perverts Our Thinking

“Psychologist Larry Crabb says that the primary motivation for all of our social behavior is a fear that if others really knew us as we are, they would reject us in disgust. This fear of exposure is rooted in our sense of the ugliness of our fallen natures as they have been perverted and corrupted by sin. Satan delights in inflaming this fear…”

Tonight I mentioned that I would like to live and to die with self-respect.  I have made many mistakes, but I do not settle for “that’s the way I am.”  Our world is filled with low expectation.  It’s too easy to have low standards.

I intentionally live the way I wish that other people did.  Rather than complain and judge others for not being this or that I strive to fess up when I screw up, or blame no one for my choices. I am accountable and want to help others by my example first, my words second.

Do not try to change the other person the change starts with us.

When Amy and I were going through our pre-marital counseling our pastor, Ralph Gustafson, counseled us, had us take a couple of tests and had us read some insightful books.

Each of those pieces helped us prepare for marriage, but not one of them helped me to prepare for myself in marriage.

I was as in love with Amy as I knew how to be. I made vows and intended to keep them. I promised devotion, loyalty and faithfulness. All of that made so much sense. I just had no idea how hard it would be.