Bad foundations in relationships lead to relationship-rot.

A bad start to a relationship does not have to be a deal-breaker, but it usually is.

Why does it happen that way?

Because broken people break people, and hurting people hurt people.

– When people assume others will abandon them, they choose not to invest.
– When people assume others are suspicious, they choose not to trust.
– When people assume others will take rather than give, they selfishly protect.
– When people assume others are means to an end: “Greed meets a need.”

That sounds so fatalistic, but it’s not.

Often times when people contact me about their relationship problems it’s because their relationships were built on unstable foundations.

Let me explain, relationships, like buildings, need a firm and solid foundation including:
– Honesty
– Respect
– Kindness
– Thoughtfulness

Unfortunately, many relationships begin just the opposite:
– Dishonesty
– Suspicion
– Selfishness
– Greed

Oh, I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. Consider these four examples:

Example 1 – Because of deep-seated fears rooted after the loss of her mother at a young add she guards herself with dishonesty.

Last Friday began a series that will run all week called Dating Drama.  Whether you’re dating or not, you know someone who is.  This might be a chance for you to contribute, comment and encourage those who are.

Some people have great relationships, some not.

Friday night my boyfriend texted me. He dumped me; by TEXT!

When I asked him for an explanation, his reply was, “What are you talking about? I didn’t break up with you.” Apparently, he had meant the text for someone else. He was breaking up with another girlfriend (that I didn’t know about).

It’s the day after Valentines Day.

Some people had a great Valentines Day, others did not. 

Just as some people have great relationships, some not.

“I can’t believe it,” she said, “my best friend told me that she heard that my sister has been sleeping with my boyfriend. When she got home I asked my sister about the rumor. She didn’t deny it, ‘He’s was gonna break up with you anyway.’”

Wow!

This week we’re examining painful dating.  Tuesday’s For Crying Out Loud included  grief, loss, and the healing benefits of tears.  Wednesday included helpful hints for dealing with being dumped.

Blunders

“Last night — at a party — a guy I’ve had a huge crush on told my best friend that he liked me too. This morning I sent him a text message telling him how excited I was. Before he replied I caught up to my best friend. She didn’t know what I was talking about. I dreamed it all, EXCEPT for the embarrassing text I really sent my crush.“

Crying, and crying out loud in our pain, makes sense when we get dumped.

Last night we watched an episode of the television show Big Bang Theory. Leonard professed his love to his girlfriend Penny. Taken off guard, the slow to trust, Penny didn’t reciprocate. One thing led to another and Leonard got dumped.

Later lonely-Leonard hung out with his friend Raj. Raj, like Leonard, was feeling lonely for love. Here was their exchange:

Leonard: Don’t worry. You’ll meet a girl someday.

Raj: No, I won’t.

Yesterday my co-worker Ash and I spoke at Champlin Park High School. (If you’re from CPHS, thanks for joining us again today on mysilentscream!)

As we talked about self-esteem I told a story of a particularly painful dating heartbreak.

After the breakup, all night long that night I played Meat Loaf’s album Bat Out Of Hell. In particular, I played “For Crying Out Loud“ over, and over, and over again.

And crying I did. At the time I couldn’t help myself. What I didn’t know at the time is how beneficial crying can be.

When we feel alone we look for relationships.
When we build relationships we look for connection.
When we recognize connection we hope for intimacy.
When we embrace intimacy…

… sometimes our hopes are dashed.

Our girlfriend is too manic.
Our boyfriend is too needy.
Our wife is too wounded.
Our husband is too self-centered.

And, it all comes crumbling down.

You can’t make her happy!
You can’t make him happy!
You feel so alone.

Left unchecked angry and loneliness are the ingredients for rage.

I hate this! Nothing makes sense.
I know I’m not good enough! And…
I know I will never be!

You tried, and tried, and tried, and failed.
You tried to make him happy and didn’t.
You tried to make her happy and didn’t.

You tried, and tried, and tried, and failed.

And Now…

You feel frustrated because life sucks, and your daydream begins to feel like a nightmare.  “My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart’s desires are broken.” 1 

And people find out what happened.  They start talking about what they think happened.  They start guessing what you did, or what you could have or should have done.  Then they start gossiping, “Their insults have broken my heart…If only one person would show some pity; if only one would turn and comfort me.” 2

Too often we feel responsible for someone else’s happiness.

The Lie

We believe the lie that “I can make someone happy,” and “I can make someone unhappy.”

Because we embrace those lies when relationships fall apart so do we.

She believes, “I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend, so he left me.”
He believes, “I was not there for her when she needed me most, so she left me.”
She believes, “I’m a failure, so he left me.”
He believes, “I unconsciously drove her away, so she left me.”
They believe, “I wasn’t good enough to stop this from happening, so … my heart breaks.”