Last night I was relaxing while listening to Jack Johnson’s “En Concert.”  He’s the kind of artist that helps me relax and feel less alone in my feelings — without prompting me to wallow in them.

His song, “Symbol In My Driveway”, off the On and On album proclaims:

I’ve got a light bulb full of anger
And I can switch it on and off

And, in my best moments, I can shut off my anger; assuring that I neither stuff nor hide my anger.

Shut Off Our Anger

We can express our anger in healthy and mature ways, or not. Most of us have a hybrid healthy-dysfunctional anger management style. Here is an assessment that might help us to examine ways that we handle anger.

Yesterday we explored Two (of the Five) Ways to Handle Anger, here are the remaining three:

Three (of the Five) Ways to Handle Anger 1

3. Passive Aggression

Like open aggression, anger expressed through passive aggression involves preserving personal worth, needs, and convictions at someone else’s expense. But it differs in that it is accomplished in a quieter manner, causing less vulnerability.

We can express our anger in healthy and mature ways, or not.  Most of us have a hybrid healthy-dysfunctional anger management style. Here is an assessment that might help us to examine ways that we handle anger.

Two (of the Five) Ways to Handle Anger 1

No two people are exactly alike in managing their anger [defined earlier as “self preservation of worth, needs and convictions”. Temperaments and circumstances differ widely. But we can identify five general choices that can be made when anger arises: (1) suppression, (2) open aggression, (3) passive aggression, (4) assertiveness, or (5) dropping it. The first three choices tend to perpetuate anger. The last two can lead to success. Let’s examine each separately.

When most people think of anger, they picture a person in a rage.

They have images of slamming doors, shouting, and intimidating communications.

Certainly this is part of the angry response. But anger is not that one-dimensional. It is multifaceted; therefore it should not be stereotyped. It can be found in any temperament. Whether a person is shy or extroverted, perfectionistic or laid-back, he or she can show anger in many ways.

We use the term anger to describe a number of expressions: frustration, irritability, annoyance, blowing off steam, fretting. It is important to realize how each of these reactions is tied to anger.

A teen who slams the door.
A mother who confronts her daughter’s teacher.
A child who scream in the mall.
A father who challenges his son’s coach.

Why? 

Why so angry?
Why did they get so angry?
Why do I get so angry?
Why do you?

It’s important to understanding where our anger is coming from.
exploring how it is affecting our lives, and our relationships with others is important.

To manage our anger, it is important:

– To become aware of situations that prompts anger
– To notice what we are doing when we feel get angry
– To recognize what the consequences are.

Everyone,  — even angry and crabby relatives — everyone is lovable, capable and worthwhile.

When talking to your “loved ones” this week, choose to use caring words.

Kind words heal and help;
cutting words wound and maim. [Proverbs 15:4, MSG]

Caring words bring healing not hurt.

Talk the way you wish other people did.

Regardless what the other person chooses you can chose caring words.

When tempers flare during your holiday gatherings here’s another piece of wise advice:

Choose to not to use hurtful words.

A hot-tempered person starts fights;
a cool-tempered person stops them.

Everyone enjoys a fitting reply;
it is wonderful to say the right thing at the right time! [Proverbs 15:18, 23]

You do not have to hurt the other person back.  Their words do not have power over you, you do.

When tempers flare during your holiday gatherings here’s a wise bit of advice:

Choose to use a soft voice.

“A gentle answer deflects anger,but harsh words make tempers flare.”
[Proverbs 15:1]

Regardless what the other person chooses you can chose a soft and kind tone in your voice.