Posted on Thursday, June 12, 2014 in Uncategorized
Yesterday I would have screamed, “Don’t Act Like A Jerk!” if I wasn’t so aware of my tone of voice.
My tone of voice and the underlying thoughts and feelings have tripped me up more than I’d like to admit. Before I got around to admitting it, in this post, I asked: What should you be seeing in your own life? What do you let stand in the way of seeing it?
Hopefully you’ll think about that a while, but in the meantime with an honest assessment in hand, I’ll tell you how I’m dealing with my contribution to the turmoil I tend to create.
What Now? The Fess Up
What must I address in order to move forward in my roll in my family and our “Spring Cleaning Team”?
My Fear of Failure. I love my wife; really, I do. Just tonight I was extolling the joy I feel being married and romantically attracted to my wife of almost twenty-seven years. That said, Amy’s careful, detail-oriented, well-organized and “get things done the right way” attitude sometimes conflicts with mine. So when Amy asks questions whether I have completed all the details of a particular task, I rear back with defensiveness.
If I want that to continue to change, I have to remember to silence my fears and insecurities and receive her reminders as opportunities to do a great job. And, she’s usually right; I’ve missed something. But, too often my fear of failure screams shame-filled lies at me. “You’re unlovable. You’re incapable. you’re not worthwhile; you can’t get anything right.” Amy means none of that, but my lies can scream loudly.
My Desire For Control. “Who wants to to rearrange the living room?”, Josh asked rhetorically. Answering his own question, “I do!” I didn’t.
I knew, Josh had just cleaned and re-organized the basement, and it looks great, but I liked the way the living room worked for me. And yet, I had to accept that my son Josh wanted to redecorate and I should have little voice in the discussion; first because I don’t care as much, and second because I don’t have a strong aesthetic awareness only utilitarian preferences.
My Need for Approval. Few people on this planet understand me like my daughter Shannon. She isn’t a “Mini-Me” by any measure, but we do share more than a couple strengths and weaknesses in common. When Shannon was a small child she (and later Josh) were given a family voice and a democratic vote. Now as an adult I continue to listen and learn from her as she holds me accountable for my misguided thinking and misdirected tones.
When Shannon and Amy remind me about my “tone” I have to listen, because too often I have minimized it’s impact and hurt others again.
#mysilentscream: In the long term, pushing through your fear is less frightening than living with the consequences of your (long term) insecurities. What do you need to change?