I’m wrestling with myself, because…

I hate when I mess up.
I hate when I let down my guard.
I hate when I lower my standards.
I hate when I try to wiggle out.
I hate when I rationalize my choices.
I hate when I justify my behavior.
I hate when I make excuses.
I hate when I settle.
I hate when I plot stupid stuff.
I hate when I hide my failures.

I hate when I’m afraid to talk to God about what God already knows.
I hate when God reminds me there’s more to repent of.
I hate when I fear exposure.
I hate when I fear a loss of reputation.
I hate when I fear rejection.
I hate when I struggle with admitting my sins.
I hate when I try to image control.
I hate when I doubt your compassion.
I hate when I fear your wrath.
I hate when I loathe your righteousness.
I hate when I envy your perfection.
I hate when I feel your eyes on me.
I hate when I wonder if you’ll talk about me.

I hate when I choose to give in.
I hate when I choose to ignore Scripture.
I hate when I choose to ignore God’s presence.
I hate when I ignore my conscience.
I hate when I mute God’s warnings.
I hate when I ignore the “beware” signs.
I hate when shut off my self-control.

I hate when I hate myself enough to choose poorly.

Perhaps most of all, I hate when I let those hatreds keep me trapped in my guilt — which is good because I’ve sinned — and shame — which is a sin that tries to convince me that because I’ve sinned I’m a hopelessly defective failure.

Guilt = a healthy part of our conscience.
False Guilt = an unhealthy sense of guilt based on lies about our choices.
Shame = an unhealthy destructive set of lies about our nature.

Maybe this doesn’t make any sense to you, and I just sound like a rambling fool.

On the other hand, maybe you’ve felt the same feelings, and thought the same thoughts I do; if so, neither of us need to feel alone.

Fortunately, as my daughter Shannon pointed out, God doesn’t want us to stay stuck:

“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God, “I’ll get you out of any trouble.”

I hate when I’m afraid God will make my life worse when I admit to others my shortcomings.  God continues:

“I’ll give you the best of care if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!” 1

I want that.  I don’t want to settle.  This is mysilentscream!  

1 – Psalm 91:14-16, MSG