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Jun 5

Coping With “Unworthy”

Posted on Thursday, June 5, 2014 in Uncategorized

hammer02Most of us like to be chosen.
But, it feels almost offensive to be chosen when we feel unworthy.
The key is when we feel unworthy, not to settle for it.

Feeling unworthy is a vicious trap.

One of the keys to breaking free is separating truth from lies, fact from fiction and real from imagined.

Losing your job will not defeat you, believing it’s useless to try again will.

Losing your health will not defeat you, believing you’re useless will.

Failing in school will not defeat you, believing it’s hopeless will.

Losing “the love of your life” will not defeat you, believing you’re unlovable will.

We are not alone.
Others have failed.
Others have been rejected.
Other people feel the same way we do.

Coping With Rejection

Alice Boyes on PsychCentral identified seven ways to avoid personalizing errors and rejection. I commend her insights and I think you will too. 1

“Not taking rejection personally is a skill you can learn, just like any other coping skill. These tips can help get you started.”

Don’t catastrophize criticism. If you are turned down for a job, it doesn’t mean you’re never going to be successful. If you get negative feedback on an assignment or performance, “it doesn’t mean you have no capacity to become better at it or that you’re not talented. If you find yourself personalizing rejection or negative feedback, ask yourself whether you’re catastrophizing — blowing it up into far bigger of a deal than it is.”

“Be gentler to yourself about your imperfections, mistakes, and times when you’re not as good at something as you’d like to be. If you can learn to be nicer to yourself about your imperfections, you won’t automatically jump to feeling attacked when other people make comments.”

Make taking rejection well one of your goals. When you demonstrate that you can accept negative feedback, others will be more likely to bring you accurate and helpful feedback. “When people worry about hurting your feelings, they are more likely to provide confusing feedback.”

Last night two friends of mine helped their friend to understand how to communicate to her crush that he had no chance. I’ll summarize their thoughts: “Don’t dance around it. Don’t give him the silent treatment. Don’t hope he understands. Be honest. Be direct. It will hurt for a while, but he’ll get over it. Better to be honest than both of you feel frustrated.”

They’re right. The other guy will feel hurt.
They’re right. She will feel hurtful to reject him.
They’re right. The guy will recover.

And we will too.

We can be our own worst enemy. Learning to cope with our failures and fears helps us fight for ourselves.

#mysilentscream: Fight for yourself. You’re worth it!

More tomorrow.

1 – The original post on PsychCentral can be found here.

Note: Alice Boyes is a psychology PhD whose research on couples was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, the top U.S. social psychology journal. She’s on Twitter and Google Plus. Her blog is www.aliceboyes.com..

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