Choosing the best possible players doesn’t guarantee success.  Each player still has the responsibility to perform at his highest level in concert with his fellow teammates.

Game Planning

If you could choose a roster of friends would you have chosen someone like yourself? If you could game plan how you relate to your friends would you make the same choices that you have? If you could game plan how your friends related to you would you make the same choices that they do?

Regardless what they choose, or you have chosen in the past, you can game plan now to be a winning role model of what a Pro Bowl quality friend should be.

Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” suggests:

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”
Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.
Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships – Were, and where were, you at fault?

Check To See If You Employ Old Methods Of Relating That No Longer Work

Each of us has emotional needs, and along the way each of us has acquired a bagful of tricks for getting those needs met. Unfortunately, we can learn some very dysfunctional ways of meeting those needs, and those patterns can get us into trouble again and again.

Charlie Bales has an unusually large nose and is an easy target for Insults and putdowns. 1

Confronted by an adversary who calls him “Big Nose” Bales diminishes the power of the insult by creating twenty insults of his own, including:

Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us.
Punctual: All right…your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late.
Humorous: Laugh & the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it’s goodbye, Seattle!
Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
Aromatic: It must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee…in Brazil. 2

No Putdowns

At TreeHouse, my workplace, we have several “House Rules” including “No Putdowns.”

While there may be funny banter, most putdowns are toxic.

Putdowns poison relationships.

Putdowns insult the attacked.
Putdowns disrespect the listeners.
Putdowns exposes the shame of the one insulting the other.

Even though it seems like the natural thing to do, “Let’s stop condemning each other.”Others may criticize you, but “be careful not to fall into the same temptation…(instead) encourage each other and build each other up.” 3

If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, don’t stoop to their level.

As ridiculous and counter-cultural as it might seem, “Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.”

“Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good…Never pay back evil with more evil.” In fact, when you’re putdown, insulted or rumors are spread about you, pray about it. Present your “case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly.“4

Be Different – Make A Change

The time for action is now. It’s never too late to do something.

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Realize that it’s never too late to learn to do the right thing.

More tomorrow.

1 – Steve Martin stars as C.D. Bales, in the 1987 movie Roxanne; a retelling of the play Cyrano de Bergerac.
2 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWNLhptltBg&feature=related
3- Romans 14:13; Galatians 6:1; 1Thesssalonians 5:11. NLT
4- Romans 12:21; Romans 12:17; 1 Peter 2:23; 1 Peter 3:9. NLT

Fun racing around on slippery hockey rink with street shoes or boots wielding awkward brooms; then in a moment of hope you swing the broom hoping to connect with the ball and send it into the opposition’s goal.

Broomball Buddies

Broomball is a great sport to enjoy wintery fun with friends. Here from the winter of 1996 is my dear friend the late Adam Bieringer. Adam passed away in April of 2010 much too young.

Adam was someone who could make a friend with any and everyone. He was loyal and would do anything for a friend.

He needed the patience of others, but gave many of us more chances than we may have deserved.  I wish we had more time together.

Lie – Time Heals All Wounds

I miss Adam.  In “Healing Is a Choice” Stephen Arterburn wrote, “The big lie is that time will heal your deep wounds. ‘Bide your time and one day you will awaken and feel better’ is … false hope … I have not found it to be true in my own life or in the lives of others. In fact, it is just the opposite … we want to believe we just need time. What we need is time well spent resolving our pasts and healing our wounds.

How you mark your time can be the most powerful healing choice you can make. Will you spend your time alone and hurting on your own? If you do, there is not much chance that the wounded mind that got you there is going to help you out. That mind will just drive you further and further away from where you could be from where God wants you to be.

If you want time to be healing, you (need to) seek out the places where healing occurs and spend your time there doing the work required.

Refuse to believe or live in the lie that time is going to heal you.

Time WILL fade the pain and lighten your despair, but it will not heal ... grieve your losses, let go of them and your expectations, and grab on to the life that is available.” 1

Love Lasts

Adam was a special guy.  This Christmas I wish I could have called Adam and asked how his life, loves, and family were doing.  I couldn’t.  The longing, the hurt, the sorrow remains, but so does the gratitude for the good times we shared, like being broomball buddies.

1 – Healing Is a Choice is available many places including on Amazon.com.

A beautiful February day filled with sunshine, laughter and friends.  It was a TreeHouse staff retreat and we had the morning and afternoon off.  A group of us headed to a local hockey rink for some broomball.

Since many players enjoying scoring goals more than stopping them I volunteered to play goalie for our team.  I also knew that most if not all the players were more athletic and better broomball players that I was. I also assumed that the differences in our abilities would be less evident with me in goal.

I played a pretty good game.  Our defense had played an excellent game, but so did theirs.  It was a 0-0 game.

At one point the opposing team cut through our defense with a two on one break.  Their two best shooters against one of our defensemen and me.

They cut rushed up ice.  A pass to the right and back to the left.  A hard shot.  I beat it down, but it bounced away.  An rebound a pass across the slot.  Another quick shot into an almost wide-open net.

I was furious.  I felt like I let down my team.  I felt incapable of being the goaltender our team needed.

We were losing 1-0 in a hard-fought game and I felt like it would only get worse.  

I asked someone else to cover the goal.  

I played recklessly and angrily but fortunately because of timely passes and a still great defense I scored three straight goals and we won 3-1.

Was I happy?  Yes, for the team.
Was I glad?  No, I felt relief.

All I could think of was the wide-open goal I gave up.

• What was I afraid of?
• What was missing?
• Was my self-esteem well empty?
• What was I trying to fill the well up with? Success? Approval?

Healing is a Choice – Pain

The other day I reviewed, “Healing Is a Choice” by Stephen Arterburn.  He wrote, “Pain, for all its hurts, can be a positive thing. We deny it at our own peril.”1

“We can rejoice…when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” 2

Consider the positive impact of pain. It gets our attention. Break a finger, stub a toe, suffer a migraine headache, or experience the rejection of a close friend, and you will pay attention!

Pain is a great motivator. When we experience it, we are moved to action.

Pain gives us direction (it) moves us toward healing, spurs us to find employment, and pushes us to make a fresh start.

Pain prompts us to connect with others. It is true that some folks, when enduring great pain, turn inward and isolate themselves. What they need most are good friends who can reach out to them. However, most people seek the support of others from whom they can draw strength as they walk through the valley of pain.

Pain may not feel good, but it is not always our enemy.

1 – Healing Is a Choice is available many places including on Amazon.com.

2 – Romans 5:3–5, NLT

While it was not a permanent departure from her life in Minnesota, it was a significant life transition.

I asked her, “How do you gamble losing all that?“

Erica smiled with a slight shrug, “The only thing that comes to mind is that I trusted God with it completely.”

Knowing her as well as I do I had an idea what she meant, but I pressed for more details. “I think it came out of so many years of God asking me to do things that were challenging. I’m amazed at God’s faithfulness. I had already known and trusted God with my life this was just another (decision to trust God with).”

This week millions will celebrate Christmas. Most of us will exchange presents, but it’s the notion of the presence of God that is most compelling when I think about Christmas.

Historical documents explain that God became incarnate and came to the Earth.

Erica is gambling that God still interacts with people. While biographers quote Jesus Christ’s conversations with family, friends, and enemies, Erica believes that God still speaks today.

She gambles. She believes.
– She believes God still speaks.
– She believes that you and I could hear from God.
– She believes that you and I could discern what God was in and what God was not in.

While it’s a gamble to leave everything behind Erica found that God met her needs.
– Even when she got ill.
– Even when she was too sick to get out of bed.
– Even when she found scorpions in her room.
– Even when she found a scorpion IN her bed

Humbly Erica adds, “I know God gifted me. I know God anointed me. I knew God would give me what I need each day.”

For Erica her faith in an unseen God who does not speak with a spoken voice is not a gamble, it’s a way of life.

How About You?

What gamble have you been talked out of and you wish that you had done?
What gamble might you be willing to take?

Ahem, let me repeat that CAUGHT IN THE ACT of adultery.  

Two things stand out here for me.  One, the incredible shame and humiliation of being interrupted, caught, captured, paraded and “posterized” as an adulterer.  Second, if she was “caught”, where’s the guy she was with?!?

The irony, horror, and hypocrisy run rich through this taudry scene.      

“Teacher,” they demanded, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. We interpret the law says she deserves the death penalty, what do you say?”

Knowing that they were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, Jesus calmly knelt down and began doodling in the dust. Seeming to ignore them, they kept demanding an answer. Finally, Jesus stood up and said, “It’s the law, but whoever has never sinned has to throw the first stone!”

With that, Jesus knelt down again and resumed writing in the dirt.

When her accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, because they knew better.  Finally, only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.

Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman,“Where are your accusers? No one stayed to condemn you?”
“No, Lord,” she said.
And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”

Paul Thyren, when explaining why he included this story wrote, “What did the author want to communicate? How blind we are. Jesus communicates these crystal clear concepts & we completely miss them & miss out on the freedom that he offers if we would just listen.”

This Thanksgiving week I am making some cuts in my life. 

I am trying to cut resentment and cultivate freedom.  There is freedom in letting go of our judgments of others.  This morning in fact, one of my first thoughts of the day, before I even got out of bed, was of someone who had wronged me.  Resentment is a trap I want to continue to find freedom from.

Like most hard things I have to do it life it help to remember it will be hard, it will hurt and it will have to involve God.  So I pray and ask for God’s help, but then I also have to take action.

I need to remember the “three needs” we talk about every week at TreeHouse.
– We all want to know that we’re lovable, capable and worthwhile.
– We all want to know that we are not alone.
– We all want to know that we are loved “without strings” (unconditionally).

As TreeHouse teens reminded us all last night, when you remember that everyone at your Thanksgiving gathering is lovable, capable and worthwhile, we can make healthy, loving choices.

We can choose to respect people you don’t like.
We can choose to be kind.
We can choose to share your experiences with one another.
We can choose to bring happiness.
We can choose to tolerate your differences.
We can choose to give everyone hugs.
We can choose to talk things out rather than stuff your annoyances.
We can choose to forget the drama.
We can choose to forgive the guilty.

I’m gonna cut resentment and cultivate freedom, wanna join me?!?

That story is found in John’s gospel — John’s biography of Jesus Christ — chapter 8.

While there are several reasons not to like Dave Matthews’ music, but I still love most of his songs.  I and Paul Thyren, a friend and fantastic co-worker of mine, love the Dave Matthews Band.   One of our favorites is “Two Step.”  Listening to the extended jam that often accompanies Two Step played live brings me peace in a surreal, mellow, “I’m just glad to be here” kind of way.

Join Paul and I and give it a listen here.

A few years ago I heard Third Day’s song “My Hope Is You.” It offers me peace on a whole different level.  That song based on another song, Psalm 25, gives me hope when I feel like I’ve messed up. 

I know I’ve blown it.

There’s no more pretending;
no more wishing I would wake up relieved that this was just a nightmare;
no more fantasizing that this day never happened;
no more strategizing how I can somehow straighten it out;
I’m stuck in the muck, and I feel like a schmuck, who’s…well, you get my point.

It’s in those moments that I need, desperately need, unconditional, unfailing love.  I imagine that you do too!

You can listen to My Hope Is You here.

Psalm 25:1-10 really sticks with me, if God will continue to have unfailing love — unconditional love, “love without strings” kind of love — for me, then I can forgive myself, and others too.

1 O Lord, I give my life to you.
2 I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.
3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
5 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.
6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
which you have shown from long ages past.
7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.
8 The Lord is good and does what is right;
he shows the proper path to those who go astray.
9 He leads the humble in doing right,
teaching them his way.
10 The Lord leads with unfailing love and faithfulness
all who keep his covenant and obey his demands.

Yeah, if God will continue to have unfailing love — unconditional love, “love without strings” kind of love — for me, then I can forgive myself, and others too.

This is mysilentscream.

1 – Psalm 25:1-10, NLT

Shame waits.  Watching.  Looking for an opportunity; to pounce!

Shame, researcher Brene Brown explains, “is really easily understood as the fear of disconnection.”  That “there [is] something about me that, if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection.”

Shame tells us we will, and should, be rejected by others.

Brown goes on to explain that the “only people who don’t experience shame have no capacity for human empathy or connection…we all know that feeling: ‘I’m not blank enough. I’m not thin enough, rich enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, promoted enough.’ ” 1

Yesterday I wrote about Solomon, who seemed to have absolutely everything a human being could want.  Yet it was Solomon’s unchecked pride & lust that contributed to his downfall.

Wise as Solomon was, without accountability to wise advisers he slid into a moral trap.  An amazing man, Solomon became spiritually helpless.  For “his heart had turned away from the Lord, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice. He had warned Solomon specifically about worshiping other gods, but Solomon did not listen to the Lord’s command.” 2

Solomon was not only wise, rich, famous and powerful, but God “appeared to him twice.”  Solomon still fell.

There Is Hope

“Blessed are those who recognize they are spiritually helpless.
The kingdom of heaven belongs to them...” 3

Shame reaches into our heart and minds to distract us from the life our Creator designed us to live.

But shame does not have to have the last word. 

A few years ago, Ashley Mucha, a TreeHouse alum developed new perspective on those bad memories.

She prays.  She confesses.  She explains it to our Creator.

“Dear Father God,

Thank you for bringing that which was what I used to think was hell, into my life. When we were talking about our life stories, what we were into, and what our life would be like if it wasn’t for the things we used to do. And now look where You’ve put us God, to grow more and more each day.

I could never thank you enough God for all that You have done… Please just keep watching over us and help us through any challenges that we may run into.”

I told a teen, “When I go back to Chicago — a place where I made many decisions that I regretted — shame pops up.  I have to decide how to deal with my screw-ups: denial and pretending that what I’ve done didn’t matter never really worked for me.”

The best way for me to fight back against shame is through prayer: “I’m sorry God that I _______. I wish I had done it differently. Please forgive me and help me to forgive myself. Please give me the strength to choose wisely.  And, the courage to apologize to those I have hurt.”

This is mysilentscream: Shame does not have the last word!

1 – Listen to Brene Brown’s talk “The Power Of Vulnerability” on TED.com.

2 – 1 Kings 11:9-10, NLT

3 – Matthew 5:3-4, GWT

Lost in loneliness.  Trapped in trauma.

U2′s Get On Your Boots hits on one such distortions:

You don’t know how beautiful
You don’t know how beautiful you are
You don’t know, and you don’t get it, do you?
You don’t know how beautiful you are

Each week at every TreeHouse we remind one another that we are all “lovable, capable and worthwhile.”  It’s a critical concept. When we understand, embrace and apply the truth that we are all “lovable, capable and worthwhile” it overrides the lies of not good enough.

“Rest in God” is what TreeHouse has called it.

“We believe that every person is loved and has value as a unique creation of God, apart from his or her behavior, appearance, performance, or any perceived positive or negative characteristic. Each one is loved by God unconditionally, has been placed in the world to love God, self and others with all of his or her being, and has valuable work to do to further God’s purposes. As such, all those who place their trust in God’s love, calling and salvation through faith in Jesus Christ, may rest and be at peace about who they are and be assured that they are lovable, capable and worthwhile as human beings.”

You, all your family members, all your friends, all your neighbors, all your schoolmates, all your workmates, all the strangers on the streets and all the strangers you’ll never know, we’re are all lovable, capable and worthwhile.

This is mysilentscream.

I love this picture.

I see friendship, camaraderie, community, peace and hope.

On our best days TreeHouse feels like that.

Every time I meet someone I know they have legitimate needs and wants, hopes and dreams.

One of our hopes and dreams includes are desire for genuine community.

Community Vs. “Community Compromisers”

We want to know others and to be known by others.  Known for who we are are, not for who we pretend to be.  There are practices that compromise our safety in a community.

A list of “community compromisers” seems endless, but here’s a short list: people who “hate others, and are hard to get along with. People [who] become jealous, angry, and selfish. They not only argue and cause trouble…“  Sound like your neighborhood, workplace, bar, softball team, well, in this case it sounds like a church!  Yes, Paul of Tarsus one of the people God inspired to write the Bible was talking about a church he knew of and loved.  They could have been a special community known for being caring, supportive and loving, but they spent more time on “community compromisers”.

Paul challenged the church in Galatia that if they wanted to follow Jesus Christ, they needed to follow the lead of God’s Holy Spirit.  ^“God’s Spirit makes us loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.“  In doing so they will build a memorable life-transforming community that lots of people would be attracted to.

Knowing how easy it is to slide back into old habits Paul continues, “because we belong to Christ Jesus, we have killed our selfish feelings and desires. God’s Spirit has given us life, and so we should follow the Spirit. But don’t be conceited or make others jealous by claiming to be better than they are.“

Want a community of friendship, camaraderie, community, peace and hope?  Find people willing to make those sacrifices and make those commitments with you and you together you will create a community of love.