Growing up my best friends were our family’s German Shepherd dogs. I hadn’t developed the people skills necessary to be manage the many dynamic social relationships I needed available to me at TreeHouse.

In my first review we discussed my lack of social skills.
And my second.
And my third.
And my fourth.
And my fifth.

Yesterday I posted Norman Vincent Peale’s 10 Rules For Getting Along With People. I needed to apply those rules then, and I still do today.

Remember their names. We all have a name. We may have been given a nickname. We may choose a nickname for ourselves. Whichever name is “our name” we all like to be memorable. Want to get along with people? Remember their names.

Be comfortable to be with — don’t cause strain — in others. I was too young when my dad’s dad passed, but my mom’s dad had a sweet send of humor. My dad is smart, quick-witted and can be sarcastic. The men in my family are funny.  And, now my son Josh may be the funniest one of us all.

When I was in high school I loved to laugh. I loved to make the nine people surrounding me in a classroom laugh.

Unfortunately my father’s quick wit manifested in me needed to be corralled.

More than once my ever patient boss Wayne Thyren had to corral me.

Scott, he’d say later, you had their attention:
– Don’t make a joke at the wrong time.
– They were focused don’t distract them.
– It’s not the time to entertain yourself.

My thanks to Wayne, my wife Amy, my parents, my kids, my friends, co-workers TreeHouse teens and other gracious (and less gracious) people who have confronted me. You’ve helped helped train me to be comfortable to be with others even in awkward social situations.

In doing so, you’ve been part of transforming my life.

Thank you.

I was in Budapest Hungary alone suffering through an unplanned layover awaiting my next flight.  I was tired, lonely and uncomfortable.  I hadn’t slept in more than twenty four hours and all the strange people speaking strange languages had gotten to me.

I had already walked everywhere I could through the airport.  I had already “shopped” the one small Duty-Free shop that was open.

With nowhere to go that hadn’t been to already I went to the men’s room and hid in a stall.

While I sat regaining my sense of composure I found myself learning about human nature.

I had no idea what words men said to one another when they walked into the bathroom, but it was clear that they used the same awkward laughs, hushed tones and followed their shared unwritten public bathroom rules.

I wonder, where did all those rules come from?

Another Question No One Asked

Recently my friend Ellie asked a question no one had even asked me before.  Ellie asked looking for an answer, “Is God ever at a loss for words too?” Read that again, “Is God ever at a loss for words too?”

Ellie’s question is a humble sincere hope-filled quest to find out if God can relate to our pain and our frustration.

I’d written a poem which describes some of the wonderings I’ve had in the middle of pain and frustration:

Does God get me?
Does God care?
Does God see me?
Is no one there?

It’s hard to know what to do when we’re frustrated. It’s hard to be patient through the pain. Life has it’s ups and downs. Trials come and go, but we don’t know when and if we’ll “make it.”  It’s then that God can be maddeningly silent.

God’s Silence

One of the profound messages of TreeHouse is “you’re not alone.”  I, and thousands of others, have found comfort and assurance knowing that others have felt our feelings, had similar experiences, and can relate to us.

I believe that God is also present, able and willing to listen, and wants us to talk about our needs and wants, thoughts and feelings.

But, sadly, God is often more silent than we would prefer.

Our Silence

Sometimes our silence must (almost) drive God crazy too.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter.“

When we’re screaming nonsense, God understands us.
When we’re pounding on walls, God understands us.
When we’re swearing about our circumstances, God understands us.
When we’re mumbling under our breath, God understands us.

It’s then that God “does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves…That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.”

1 – Romans 8:22-28, MSG

Baker, according to TwinCities.com, “was scheduled for surgery to clean scar tissue off a flexor tendon, a procedure that would have required about six months of rehabilitation. Instead, he will miss at least 12 months.”

I love mysteries.  I love pondering mysteries.  I love trying to solve mysteries.  I wonder:

Why did two MRI exams failed to detect a tear in Baker’s ligament?
What causes baseball pitchers to have such a high rate of elbow injuries?  

While the answer “arm strain” is obvious, I loved reading ESPN’s article “Force of habit” examines the subject in detail.

There are clues to some of the riddles of why, but real answers are usually very complex.

Unsolved Mysteries About People

You have your own unsolved mysteries, but here are a few of mine:

Why are some of the strongest men I know also the laziest?
Why are some of the most caring women I know also the most emotionally unstable?
Why are some of the smartest guys I know also the most foolishly impulsive?
Why are some of the most street-smart girls I know still duped by smooth talkers?

There are clues to some of the riddles of why, but real answers are usually very complex.

Theological Questions

While examining the Genesis account of Adam and Eve and the “Serpent” a TreeHouse teen named Jim asked a question he intended to be sarcastic: “Why would anyone even listen to a #^(<|~* snake anyway?”

Though I felt annoyed at Jim’s disruptive quest for attention, I thought his question was profound.  

Why would anyone ever listen to the serpent?  

I spent that night, and the days that followed, reading and quizzing theologians looking to find out the answer to that question.

There are clues to some of the riddles of why, but real answers are usually very complex.

Frankly, another mystery runs through my mind much more often: “Why had I never asked that question?“

Huh?!?

I’m well known for my very eclectic music collection.
I’m also well known for not being able to keep a beat.

Trivia – I know exactly when I first knew I heard the “beat” in a song. It was August 7, 1998. You can read about it here.

October 2011

Last fall I debuted a “song” for our TreeHouse teens.

I blended a techno-house beat with the text of Philippians 2:4 using an audio version of the Bible.

While on a ride to pick up some pizza this was part of my conversation with my friend Adam:
Adam – Did you REALLY make that song?
Scott – Well, I edited it, yeah.
Adam – I love it. I was gonna ask what it was called so I could look it up on iTunes.

Adam DeBlois was my first music fan.

A fan was born; and an ego stroked.

Last week I debuted a second song.  This time I blended a dubstep beat with some of the text of Ephesians 2:4-10 using the Bible Experience audio version of the Bible. 

If you’re interested, here it is.  Scooter131313 – DubEph2

Tonight I’m excited to “drop” a new track at our TreeHouse Local Artists’ Nite.  =D

I’ve led hundreds and hundreds of support groups. They’re a regular part of my schedule and one of the joys of my week. Most nights are great.

That night something was weird at TreeHouse!

It Started Bad

Several teens were mad at me. Why?  My responsibility was to create a safe, supportive atmosphere.  Support groups with eight teens are common.  That night teens split up into a group of eight, a group of twelve, and a group of five.  

I stepped in to create a numbers balance. In doing so I also tried to separate some disruptive people — who can be positive contributors, when they’re not with other disruptive people.

A few teens were furious with me. Two told me to “F’ Off”; one SCREAMED it. And, it was not even the teen I already sent home for repeatedly being defiant.

So out of character; something was in the air!

It was hard to work through that, but it got worse.

It Got Worse?

Oh, and did I mention I made a girl cry?

I had no idea that the twenty or so fresh cuts on her arm were a secret. She was wearing a t-shirt and they were in plain sight!

I asked her about them. She ran off. Slammed the door and sat in another room and just HOWLED in pain.  How was I to know her carved up arm — in plain sight — was a secret?!?

Is There An Award For Being A Jerk?

Try as I might to listen patiently and love genuinely, sometimes I feel like an epic failure; a jerk.  The words of Pearl Jam song “Garden” come to mind:

I will walk…with my hands bound
I will walk…with my face blood
…into your garden, garden of stone 

Knowing how to love people — whose wounded hearts are guarded by a garden of stone — is hard. It’s so hard sometimes pain-filled poetry pours out:

It’s hard on a Wednesday
Try as I might
To get up again
And step into the fight

Where is the strength?
Where is the fight?
God, I’m in darkness
Bring power and might

What’s God Bring?

Clarity.

As I write this entry I recall words of Jude I embraced my first year at TreeHouse: “But you, dear friends, must build each other up in your most holy faith, pray in the power of the Holy Spirit, and await the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will bring you eternal life. In this way, you will keep yourselves safe in God’s love.

- And you must show mercy to those whose faith is wavering.
– Rescue others by snatching them from the flames of judgment.
– Show mercy to still others, but do so with great caution… 1
– Go after those who take the wrong way. Be tender with sinners, but not soft on sin. 2

Mysilentscream: Please God help me.  I want to help, but sometimes I feel like a failure.

1 – Jude 20-23, NLT

2 – Jude 23, MSG

Most of us live life like Manningham, success one moment and we fail the next.  We want to be the best but stumple into stupid fights with the people we love the most.  It’s a those times we need to be the clutch player and choose to do what’s most needed.

Clutch At Home

People closest to us are often the most available — and least risky — target for our wrath, because we take them for granted.  The people we care most about tend to be our outlet for stress-related problems that really have nothing to do with him or her.

Girlfriends growl at their boyfriends when they feel afraid that their grades are dropping.

Husbands howl at their wives when they are really frustrated that their boss does not see or value their real skill set.

Parents pour out wrath at their kids they wish that they could dish onto their customers.

Teens give the silent treatment to frustrated parents when their silent wrath is really self-directed.

You can avoid these vicious cycle by bringing S.A.L. home.

SAL — named after my co-worker Sally –  is a peaceful, fun-loving, restorative presence.

* SAFE ZONE – After a stressful day at work, school, the gym or life in general most of us need time alone to calm down before they’re ready to talk and be civil. A 15-minutes of down time with SAL might be just right before you say something just wrong.

* ALLOW GRIPE-TIME – Healthy relationships have room for rant-filled unhealthy thinking.  Such times to download emotions and for slam the right person time will save good relationships misguided “what was that all about moments.”

* LISTEN CAREFULLY – Behind the strong winds, deep behind the storm clouds, are the hopes and dreams of your loved ones.  Listen careful and find out what needs are being unmet, hopes thwarted and dreams delayed.  When feelings are expressed listen.  Patient listening — not problem-solving — is the key to avoid venting your frustrations on each other.

The preceding three principles work for parent and kids, sweethearts who are dating  and married folks.

The evidence of genuine life transformation is often exposed most often in the living room and in the bedroom through genuinely loving and caring actions.  

This week bring SAL home and you’ll enjoy life in the living room and the bedroom more.

[Insert Isaac's -- Sally's husband -- joke here]

1 – http://www.profootballfocus.com/blog/2012/01/17/drop-rate-2011-which-receivers-are-dropping-the-ball/

Choosing the best possible players doesn’t guarantee success.  Each player still has the responsibility to perform at his highest level in concert with his fellow teammates.

Game Planning

If you could choose a roster of friends would you have chosen someone like yourself? If you could game plan how you relate to your friends would you make the same choices that you have? If you could game plan how your friends related to you would you make the same choices that they do?

Regardless what they choose, or you have chosen in the past, you can game plan now to be a winning role model of what a Pro Bowl quality friend should be.

Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” suggests:

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”
Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.
Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships – Were, and where were, you at fault?

Check To See If You Employ Old Methods Of Relating That No Longer Work

Each of us has emotional needs, and along the way each of us has acquired a bagful of tricks for getting those needs met. Unfortunately, we can learn some very dysfunctional ways of meeting those needs, and those patterns can get us into trouble again and again.

Charlie Bales has an unusually large nose and is an easy target for Insults and putdowns. 1

Confronted by an adversary who calls him “Big Nose” Bales diminishes the power of the insult by creating twenty insults of his own, including:

Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us.
Punctual: All right…your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late.
Humorous: Laugh & the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it’s goodbye, Seattle!
Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
Aromatic: It must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee…in Brazil. 2

No Putdowns

At TreeHouse, my workplace, we have several “House Rules” including “No Putdowns.”

While there may be funny banter, most putdowns are toxic.

Putdowns poison relationships.

Putdowns insult the attacked.
Putdowns disrespect the listeners.
Putdowns exposes the shame of the one insulting the other.

Even though it seems like the natural thing to do, “Let’s stop condemning each other.”Others may criticize you, but “be careful not to fall into the same temptation…(instead) encourage each other and build each other up.” 3

If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, don’t stoop to their level.

As ridiculous and counter-cultural as it might seem, “Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.”

“Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good…Never pay back evil with more evil.” In fact, when you’re putdown, insulted or rumors are spread about you, pray about it. Present your “case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly.“4

Be Different – Make A Change

The time for action is now. It’s never too late to do something.

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Realize that it’s never too late to learn to do the right thing.

More tomorrow.

1 – Steve Martin stars as C.D. Bales, in the 1987 movie Roxanne; a retelling of the play Cyrano de Bergerac.
2 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWNLhptltBg&feature=related
3- Romans 14:13; Galatians 6:1; 1Thesssalonians 5:11. NLT
4- Romans 12:21; Romans 12:17; 1 Peter 2:23; 1 Peter 3:9. NLT

Fun racing around on slippery hockey rink with street shoes or boots wielding awkward brooms; then in a moment of hope you swing the broom hoping to connect with the ball and send it into the opposition’s goal.

Broomball Buddies

Broomball is a great sport to enjoy wintery fun with friends. Here from the winter of 1996 is my dear friend the late Adam Bieringer. Adam passed away in April of 2010 much too young.

Adam was someone who could make a friend with any and everyone. He was loyal and would do anything for a friend.

He needed the patience of others, but gave many of us more chances than we may have deserved.  I wish we had more time together.

Lie – Time Heals All Wounds

I miss Adam.  In “Healing Is a Choice” Stephen Arterburn wrote, “The big lie is that time will heal your deep wounds. ‘Bide your time and one day you will awaken and feel better’ is … false hope … I have not found it to be true in my own life or in the lives of others. In fact, it is just the opposite … we want to believe we just need time. What we need is time well spent resolving our pasts and healing our wounds.

How you mark your time can be the most powerful healing choice you can make. Will you spend your time alone and hurting on your own? If you do, there is not much chance that the wounded mind that got you there is going to help you out. That mind will just drive you further and further away from where you could be from where God wants you to be.

If you want time to be healing, you (need to) seek out the places where healing occurs and spend your time there doing the work required.

Refuse to believe or live in the lie that time is going to heal you.

Time WILL fade the pain and lighten your despair, but it will not heal ... grieve your losses, let go of them and your expectations, and grab on to the life that is available.” 1

Love Lasts

Adam was a special guy.  This Christmas I wish I could have called Adam and asked how his life, loves, and family were doing.  I couldn’t.  The longing, the hurt, the sorrow remains, but so does the gratitude for the good times we shared, like being broomball buddies.

1 – Healing Is a Choice is available many places including on Amazon.com.

A beautiful February day filled with sunshine, laughter and friends.  It was a TreeHouse staff retreat and we had the morning and afternoon off.  A group of us headed to a local hockey rink for some broomball.

Since many players enjoying scoring goals more than stopping them I volunteered to play goalie for our team.  I also knew that most if not all the players were more athletic and better broomball players that I was. I also assumed that the differences in our abilities would be less evident with me in goal.

I played a pretty good game.  Our defense had played an excellent game, but so did theirs.  It was a 0-0 game.

At one point the opposing team cut through our defense with a two on one break.  Their two best shooters against one of our defensemen and me.

They cut rushed up ice.  A pass to the right and back to the left.  A hard shot.  I beat it down, but it bounced away.  An rebound a pass across the slot.  Another quick shot into an almost wide-open net.

I was furious.  I felt like I let down my team.  I felt incapable of being the goaltender our team needed.

We were losing 1-0 in a hard-fought game and I felt like it would only get worse.  

I asked someone else to cover the goal.  

I played recklessly and angrily but fortunately because of timely passes and a still great defense I scored three straight goals and we won 3-1.

Was I happy?  Yes, for the team.
Was I glad?  No, I felt relief.

All I could think of was the wide-open goal I gave up.

• What was I afraid of?
• What was missing?
• Was my self-esteem well empty?
• What was I trying to fill the well up with? Success? Approval?

Healing is a Choice – Pain

The other day I reviewed, “Healing Is a Choice” by Stephen Arterburn.  He wrote, “Pain, for all its hurts, can be a positive thing. We deny it at our own peril.”1

“We can rejoice…when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” 2

Consider the positive impact of pain. It gets our attention. Break a finger, stub a toe, suffer a migraine headache, or experience the rejection of a close friend, and you will pay attention!

Pain is a great motivator. When we experience it, we are moved to action.

Pain gives us direction (it) moves us toward healing, spurs us to find employment, and pushes us to make a fresh start.

Pain prompts us to connect with others. It is true that some folks, when enduring great pain, turn inward and isolate themselves. What they need most are good friends who can reach out to them. However, most people seek the support of others from whom they can draw strength as they walk through the valley of pain.

Pain may not feel good, but it is not always our enemy.

1 – Healing Is a Choice is available many places including on Amazon.com.

2 – Romans 5:3–5, NLT