We can count on her. She has poise.
He produces in the clutch. He’s reliable.

Be careful not to count on previous reliability.

Previous Success Doesn’t Guarantee Future Success

This past Sunday the former Super Bowl MVP Deion Branch dropped two passes, and former Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady threw an interception, missed an open receiver and looked panicked.  They play for the New England Patriots, and lost.

I have found that choosing wisely in clutch situations is a constant battle against:
- will
- circumstances
- health
- emotions

Many people battle with their emotions, and lose.  

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our emotions.   According to Daniel Goleman there are five abilities that comprise our emotional intelligence. These abilities include:

• Knowing our emotions
• Managing our emotions
• Recognizing emotions in others
• Managing relationships with others
• Motivating ourselves to achieve our goals 1

Our emotional intelligence likely contributes more to successful and enjoyable living, than our general intelligence.

Good News: Since emotional intelligence is learned rather than inherited, it can be improved.

Clutch Players In The Lunchroom

I’ve worked with thousands of teens over the past twenty years.  Each with unique skill-sets, life experiences and drives.

As a student of people I love learning about cultures.  While the adolescent culture is constantly changing there are some constants.  One constant is some people are consistent students, some people are inconsistent students and some people are clutch players in the lunchroom.

Clutch players in the lunchroom:

• Remember a quiz is next hour and remind their classmates
• Focus on the task at hand and help others to do so
• Help others focus so they can succeed as well
• Recognize when conversations are playful and when they’ll escalate
• Step in and defend against bullies
• Mediate, calm others, and extinguish impulsive vengeful responses

Have you seen thse skills in others?
Have you seen those skills in yourself?

That’s applying emotional intelligence.

Personally, since I can be emotional, self-protective and impulsive I have found that a quick, sincere, three-second “Please God help me.  I need wisdom to choose wisely.” prayer has calmed me, focused me and helped me many times.

“If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won’t correct you for asking.” 2

Want to be a clutch player in your lunchroom?  Ask God for help and embrace the value of developing your emotional intelligence.

1 – Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman is http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james%201:5&version=NIV;NCV;NLT;CEV;MSG“>James 1:5, CEV

Here’s a short summary:
Eli Manning was poised.  
Tom Brady looked panicked.
Aaron Hernandez dropped two passes.  
Mario Manningham caught the one that mattered most.

As you can imagine Manning and Manningham play for the Super Bowl winning New York Giants.

Winners Win

NFL players are generally assumed to be the best players in their sport in the world.  While some would argue that the Giants and the New England Patriots were not great teams, they were successful and won when it mattered most.

The Patriots had one final chance to win the game as quarterback Tom Brady threw a long pass which was tipped away by a defender falling out the reach of a prospective hero trying to catch the ball.

Consistent plays and “Clutch plays” were the keys to success.

Clutch Plays

I’ll define a clutch play as productivity — when what needs to happen happens — when it’s most needed.

Clutch plays don’t just happen in football games.

Clutch plays happen in the lunchroom.
Clutch plays happen in the living room.
Clutch plays happen in the boardroom.
Clutch plays happen in the bedroom.

We can count on her.  She has poise.
He produces in the clutch.  He’s reliable.

This week mysilentscream will look at ways that we can be Clutch 4 Life.

Fortunately, not one of my mistakes has ended in the headlines.

Headlines

Dallas Morning News reported today that Major League baseball player, “Rangers’ Josh Hamilton has relapse with alcohol at area bar.”  USA Today, Washington Post, Fox Sports, it’s on the news, it’s filling the headlines.

“Someone went to a bar” is hardly news. “Someone had a few drinks” isn’t either.  Unless that someone is, as Jeff Passan described him, the “most famous addict in sports.”  Then, everyone who knows about you knows that that’s a problem.  Josh Hamilton’s story of self-destruction, sobriety, redemption and success have been well-documented including his autobiographical Beyond Belief: Finding the Strength to Come Back.

Horror Stories

Yahoo Sports Jeff Passan wrote, “The worst part about Josh Hamilton’s relapse is that he didn’t care. The most famous addict in sports does not go to a bar in the town where he is best known without full knowledge that his exploits will become public…Only Hamilton understands why he would choose such a setting to drink, whether it was the empowerment of doing what he wants, where he wants, when he wants, or if it was his way of asking for help as he floats about without an accountability partner.”

I’m not trying to dump on Josh Hamilton or to make his bad week even worse.  His tale is a cautionary tale for all of us!

Helpful Warning

This is the fifth of a series on Pro Bowl — all-star quality — friendships.  The fifth, and most relevant to me personally is, to “Check To See If You Have Excessive Need For Approval.”

I’ve been an accountability partner, and I’ve had my own need for accountability partners, formal and informal.  People who hold me accountable to values I’ve chosen or want to uphold.

Honest Accountability

This weekend I will see my two dearest friends. They are the two men who have held me most accountable.  I love them, but there are other times that I have been reluctant to see them because I’m struggling.  Other times, because of my fear of rejection — and my need for approval — I have either avoided them, intentionally changed the subject or outright lied.

I know I lied.  I may not have said “black” was “white” kind of lie, but I know I wasn’t answering their question honestly.

Gerry Fraley reported, “Hamilton drank alcohol Monday night ( and) teammate Ian Kinsler also showed up at the bar for what appeared to be an attempt to persuade Hamilton to return to his home…”

Good friends may have protected me, but it has been and (as long as I’m healthy) always will be my responsibility to choose wisely and find accountability partners.  It’s not enough to have them, it’s also important to follow their wise advice.

MLB.com’s T.R. Sullivan interviewed Hamilton after his last relapse.  ”I feel like I’ve been humbled…I got away from the one thing that kept me on the straight and narrow and that was my relationship with the Lord. That should always come first. Hopefully some good will come out of this…”

“Obviously it was one those things that reinforce that I can’t have alcohol…Maybe this will show people that if they are recovering and make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world. You can get back on the right track. Hopefully I can use God’s glory to show that I do have struggles. This just lets me know that I need Christ more than ever.”

Want Pro Bowl — all-star quality — friendships?  Yes, we do; then they will include “I’m not gonna hide in my fears” accountability.

This is my challenge for you and this is mysilentscream into my own ear.

Note – If you’re interested in reading more from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” you can find it here.

Choosing the best possible players doesn’t guarantee success.  Each player still has the responsibility to perform at his highest level in concert with his fellow teammates.

Game Planning

If you could choose a roster of friends would you have chosen someone like yourself? If you could game plan how you relate to your friends would you make the same choices that you have? If you could game plan how your friends related to you would you make the same choices that they do?

Regardless what they choose, or you have chosen in the past, you can game plan now to be a winning role model of what a Pro Bowl quality friend should be.

Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” suggests:

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”
Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.
Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships – Were, and where were, you at fault?

Check To See If You Employ Old Methods Of Relating That No Longer Work

Each of us has emotional needs, and along the way each of us has acquired a bagful of tricks for getting those needs met. Unfortunately, we can learn some very dysfunctional ways of meeting those needs, and those patterns can get us into trouble again and again.

In honor of Shawn White’s courage and determination and hard work, if you want to have a Gold-Medal winning friendship I’ve got some advice. 

“Wait a minute!”  I know, this week I’m writing about Pro Bowl quality friendships, but I’m diverting the metaphor for today.

I know mixing my metaphors is a no-no, but he got a perfect score!

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”

Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.

Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships

Shawn White had won the gold.  He had nothing to prove.  He had fallen on his previous run, he could have walked away with a smile and his fifth straight gold medal, he didn’t.  That snowboarding run was “meaningless”, except that he set an even higher standard.

You and I could settle for the friendship depth and quality that we have.  It’s okay to do so.  Few people, in anyone, would complain.  You could hope that someone else would take the initiative, to take the risk, to step forward and be more vulnerable, trusting and courageous than you’ve been already, or you could be the one.

Shawn White does tricks that no one else on the planet does.  He’s blessed with good health, physically gifted and a hard-working athlete.

Who falls.
Who fails.
Who gets hurt.
Who feels embarrassed.
Who fears failure, rejection and injury…just like me, and you!

Fear-Free Friends

If you want your friendships to soar you’ll need courage, determination and a willingness not to give in to your fears.  If a large number of your close friendships fill with drama, it’s wise to assess if your patterns of relating are causing the problem.  Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s not. 

Most people have normal friendships. Humble prayer and an honest assessment will help you determine if your fears are limiting your friendships.  Consider asking an honest, trustworthy person’s opinion of how you relate to others.  Maybe you’ll be grateful that “It’s not you!”, or maybe you’ll be disappointed “It’s you”, but grateful later when you make amends.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you passed over Shawn White’s victory run, watch it now. He didn’t need to take the risk. No one would have complained. Let his example inspire us to do our best too! Here!

My challenge for you and me is to have gold medal winning friendships.

Note – These strategies are from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” you can find it here.

Fun racing around on slippery hockey rink with street shoes or boots wielding awkward brooms; then in a moment of hope you swing the broom hoping to connect with the ball and send it into the opposition’s goal.

Broomball Buddies

Broomball is a great sport to enjoy wintery fun with friends. Here from the winter of 1996 is my dear friend the late Adam Bieringer. Adam passed away in April of 2010 much too young.

Adam was someone who could make a friend with any and everyone. He was loyal and would do anything for a friend.

He needed the patience of others, but gave many of us more chances than we may have deserved.  I wish we had more time together.

Lie – Time Heals All Wounds

I miss Adam.  In “Healing Is a Choice” Stephen Arterburn wrote, “The big lie is that time will heal your deep wounds. ‘Bide your time and one day you will awaken and feel better’ is … false hope … I have not found it to be true in my own life or in the lives of others. In fact, it is just the opposite … we want to believe we just need time. What we need is time well spent resolving our pasts and healing our wounds.

How you mark your time can be the most powerful healing choice you can make. Will you spend your time alone and hurting on your own? If you do, there is not much chance that the wounded mind that got you there is going to help you out. That mind will just drive you further and further away from where you could be from where God wants you to be.

If you want time to be healing, you (need to) seek out the places where healing occurs and spend your time there doing the work required.

Refuse to believe or live in the lie that time is going to heal you.

Time WILL fade the pain and lighten your despair, but it will not heal ... grieve your losses, let go of them and your expectations, and grab on to the life that is available.” 1

Love Lasts

Adam was a special guy.  This Christmas I wish I could have called Adam and asked how his life, loves, and family were doing.  I couldn’t.  The longing, the hurt, the sorrow remains, but so does the gratitude for the good times we shared, like being broomball buddies.

1 – Healing Is a Choice is available many places including on Amazon.com.

A beautiful February day filled with sunshine, laughter and friends.  It was a TreeHouse staff retreat and we had the morning and afternoon off.  A group of us headed to a local hockey rink for some broomball.

Since many players enjoying scoring goals more than stopping them I volunteered to play goalie for our team.  I also knew that most if not all the players were more athletic and better broomball players that I was. I also assumed that the differences in our abilities would be less evident with me in goal.

I played a pretty good game.  Our defense had played an excellent game, but so did theirs.  It was a 0-0 game.

At one point the opposing team cut through our defense with a two on one break.  Their two best shooters against one of our defensemen and me.

They cut rushed up ice.  A pass to the right and back to the left.  A hard shot.  I beat it down, but it bounced away.  An rebound a pass across the slot.  Another quick shot into an almost wide-open net.

I was furious.  I felt like I let down my team.  I felt incapable of being the goaltender our team needed.

We were losing 1-0 in a hard-fought game and I felt like it would only get worse.  

I asked someone else to cover the goal.  

I played recklessly and angrily but fortunately because of timely passes and a still great defense I scored three straight goals and we won 3-1.

Was I happy?  Yes, for the team.
Was I glad?  No, I felt relief.

All I could think of was the wide-open goal I gave up.

• What was I afraid of?
• What was missing?
• Was my self-esteem well empty?
• What was I trying to fill the well up with? Success? Approval?

Healing is a Choice – Pain

The other day I reviewed, “Healing Is a Choice” by Stephen Arterburn.  He wrote, “Pain, for all its hurts, can be a positive thing. We deny it at our own peril.”1

“We can rejoice…when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” 2

Consider the positive impact of pain. It gets our attention. Break a finger, stub a toe, suffer a migraine headache, or experience the rejection of a close friend, and you will pay attention!

Pain is a great motivator. When we experience it, we are moved to action.

Pain gives us direction (it) moves us toward healing, spurs us to find employment, and pushes us to make a fresh start.

Pain prompts us to connect with others. It is true that some folks, when enduring great pain, turn inward and isolate themselves. What they need most are good friends who can reach out to them. However, most people seek the support of others from whom they can draw strength as they walk through the valley of pain.

Pain may not feel good, but it is not always our enemy.

1 – Healing Is a Choice is available many places including on Amazon.com.

2 – Romans 5:3–5, NLT

I called out “On Belay?” I received the reply “Belay On”. I responded “Climbing”. Followed by “Climb On.”

My friend David Villringer learned to rock climb.  David’s courage and determination were both admirable and seemingly unreachable.  Graciously and patiently Dave taught me to climb.

David climbed the Tetons.  I struggled at Devil’s Rock.

I lacked both David’s strength and his will.

I wanted to climb, and I wanted to succeed, but I wanted NOT to get hurt far more.

Discomfort & Disappointment

Rock climbing hurt my fingertips, hurt my hands, strained my muscles, and left me frustrated.  I wanted to succeed.  Unfortunately, I disliked the pain, the hard work, and a feeling of guilt that David — my belayer — was disappointed in me.

David wasn’t disappointed in me, he was teaching me. 
- How to utilize my strength.
- How to minimize my weaknesses.
- How to reach farther than I thought possible.
- How to want more from myself than I thought I could expect.

While I strained against gravity and my girth David taught me how to see the holds.  “Put your foot there.”  “Do you see the ledge? No the one a little higher than that one.”

Belaying helps us to reach farther and succeed by giving us the safety to fail.

David was disciplining me and discipling me.

Discipline A Disciple

We all need belayers in life.  
- Someone to guide us.
- Someone to direct us.  
- Someone to challenge us.  
- Somoene to help us to see what we cannot see.
- Someone to help us to become who we fear we cannot become.

Family members and friends, ministers and therapists, coaches and colleagues, we need someone to help us along our journey.

Whether he ever climbed rock faces or not, the psalmist understood that God was willing to belay him.  “With your help I can advance … I can scale a wall.” [Psalm 18:29, NIV]

It’s a new year.  It’s time for new courage.

Last year’s courage was for last year.  New challenges await.  I pray “On Belay?” God replies “Belay On”. “Climbing?”. “Climb On.”

My Top 5 were Family, Friendship, Love, and Religious Beliefs, with Security edging out Peace and Self-Respect for the fifth spot. 1

With that in mind, I would like to think that my values would represent what I did with my time and money.  I’d like to say they do, but as often as my wife has teased me about “my mistress” — the laptop — I must confess to my misplaced priorities.

What we do, what we think, what we invest in, exposes our values; like it or not.

Values shape who we are, how we behave, how we treat other people, and how we feel about ourselves.  When I live consistent with my values that congruence adds to my peace and self-respect.  My values compliment each other.  On the other hand, when I realize that I spent another evening writing, reading or playing on my laptop with only occasional interactions with Amy — “my favorite person on the planet” — I’ve failed!

Our character is sum total of the values we choose and the choices they engender.

Our Character Always Rises To The Surface

Ndamukong Suh, a professional football player for the Detroit Lions was suspended this week by the NFL for “unsportsmanlike conduct”.  Jay Glazer reported, “it was Suh’s fifth violation of on-field rules in the past two seasons.” 2

One writer complained, “The character assassination of a good man such as Suh is what bothers me about this story.” 3

I would argue, our character rises to the surface.  Would “a good man” stomp an opponent?  Would “a good man” be voted by his peers “the dirtiest player in the NFL” before this most recent incident? 4

“Ndamukong Suh used to be my favorite player”, wrote Ross Tucker, “Not anymore. Not by a long shot. Now I think a lot of his behavior is cowardly.” Admirers now view him as “cowardly”.

Tucker continues, “the act (of stomping another player’s arm) itself wasn’t what bothered me most. It was how he handled himself after the game that really struck a nerve…This isn’t the first time Suh has handled himself with a lack of class…he taunted and ridiculed Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan in Week 7 after Ryan got hurt. That goes against everything I was always taught as a professional player…” 5

Addressing Corrupted Character

Can we act incongruent with our values, yes, of course.  I imagine that’s what pepper spraying policeman John Pike would privately admit. 6  I imagine almost everyone listed in USA Todays’ list of Black Friday mishaps would agree. 7

How about you?  Are you like me?  Have you wounded someone?  Have you compromised your values?  It might seem simplistic, and sometimes I’ve jumped the gun asking forgiveness too quickly, but “I’m sorry.  I wish I didn’t do that.  How can I make it right?  Would you please forgive me?” has helped me.  It works with most people, and it always works with God!

People can hold grudges, but God doesn’t; “if we confess our sins to God, he can always be trusted to forgive us and take our sins away.” 8

Don’t settle for misguided values, if you can, make it right.

1 – If you haven’t considered your Top 5, here’s my challenge.

2 – http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/Ndamukong-Suh-Detroit-Lions-NFL-suspension-two-games-for-stomping-incident-112911

3 – http://blog.mlive.com/hugeblog/2011/11/nfl_shouldnt_suspend_detroit_l.html

4 – http://www.foxsportsdetroit.com/11/08/11/Suh-voted-dirtiest-player-by-his-peers/landing_lions.html?blockID=599388&feedID=3862

5 – http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/7294091/a-complete-turnaround-ndamukong-suh

6 – http://www.youtube.com/verify_age?next_url=http%3A//www.youtube.com/watch%3Fv%3DYs1gPp2Gkow

7 – http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/retail/story/2011-11-25/black-friday-walmart/51399030/1

8 – 1 John 1:9, CEV

It’s the LAST DAY OF SCHOOL… for many kids.

If you’re an adult think back to your childhood, yes, back then.  It’s the last day of school!  Let the feelings fill you.  That’s how millions of kids are feeling this week!

Embrace Fun

My hope is that we all have a fun, safe and playful summer.

I’m a playful guy and I love playful people!

I am always looking to have some fun.

Some fun is beneficial, some fun is not.

Some fun comes with less consequences than others.

I LOVE FREE & SOBER FUN!

Embrace Other’s Playfulness

Have you caught a free sporting event lately?

Almost everyone likes to have enthusiastic fans.

Join me this summer in slowing down our busyness to enjoy some sports in the local parks.

Today I saw a free lacrosse match in Champlin.

I watch a soccer match last week.

I worked late but I would have loved to catch my son’s softball game tonight.  He got on base every at-bat.  Go Josh!

I’m looking forward to watching my neighbor’s cricket team play soon.  I even offered to “sub” if they needed an inexperienced, clueless, willing player.  Some resume, huh?!?

Tonight I sat watching three skateboarders working on their tricks while playing a game of skate.  Thanks again Noah, Ricky & Malcolm, you rock!

I love watching skateboarders practice their tricks.

I love watching Sepak Takraw too!

I really do, BUT, I haven’t seen a single game of Sepak Takraw this year.

I will see a game and I’ll stop, then and there, and I’ll probably be late for something when I do.

You don’t know about Sepak Takraw?

It’s a bal-game played similar to volleyball, except you use your feet and head instead of your hands.  The spikes are a feat — pun intended — to behold.  The strength, power and flexibility of the Sepak Takraw athletes is amazing!  Here’s a bit of youtube footage, from last year’s J4 2010 Tournamnent in St. Paul, MN between teams from Minnesota and California.

NOTE: I recommend you turn down the volume and skip the rap song that accompanied the video.  It didn’t fit the setting at all.

You and I were created by a creative, fun-loving, playful Creator!  Let’s honor our Creator and have some fun this summer!