In baseball, as in life, there are the written rules and the unwritten rules, but baseball is a piece of cake compared to “the code” we try to decode when we’re in relationships.

Code – “It’s not working out…”

She seemed so sweet.  We’d text one another all day, every day.  Now nothing.  I guess I didn’t make her happy.

We dated for three years.  We had our ups and downs, but now he’s gone.  I guess I didn’t make him happy.

I dated this girl for the last eight months. I really loved her.  Now she’s gone. I guess I didn’t make her happy.

We were best friends.  We talked about it for a while.  Finally we decided to have sex.  Two weeks later it’s like he doesn’t even know me.  He won’t look at me.  He won’t talk to me.  He won’t even return my texts.  I guess I didn’t make him happy.

We broke up three months ago, but we were still having sex and stuff up until last week.  I guess I didn’t make him happy.

Whenever I look back on when we were going out, I can only think of all the bad stuff I did.  I’d get angry.  Say one thing; mean another.  I’d look at other girls.  I guess I didn’t make her happy.

I think he got tired of me overreacting.  He said it was always “over nothing.” Then we’d start yelling at one another.  He dumped me and him and screamed that I’m not a good girlfriend.  I guess I didn’t make him happy.

Decode – “I Guess I…”

I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend.
I was not there for her when she needed me most.
I’m a failure.
I unconsciously drove her away.
I wasn’t good enough to stop this from happening.

The Truth Is – “You can’t…”

The truth is you cannot “make someone happy.”  Really you can’t.  You could be the kindest nicest person in the world and the other person might not react the way most everyone else would.  You might be amazing and still get dumped.

More tomorrow.

While I’d heard of “the code,” it’s even more complicated than I realized.

This week I finished reading The Baseball Codes: Beanballs, Sign Stealing, and Bench-Clearing Brawls: The Unwritten Rules of America’s Pastime by Jason Turbow and Michael Duca.

As a lifelong baseball fan I found it valuable to understand how the game of baseball is actually played by major league players.

Personally I would be annoyed having so many unwritten rules to try to understand, maintain and pass on to the next generation.

Each rookie class was expected to learn, know, and follow the code; no questions asked.

Unfortunately, players don’t always remember the code in the midst of the game.

Respect The Code

The book is filled with insightful illustrations of the code and how the code is maintained and broken. The code says that code-breaking demands retribution.  If, there is no retribution that’s also a code-breaking offense.

For example, the written rules have no “mercy” rule, but the code does.  The code demands that when your team is ahead by seven runs in the eighth inning, it’s a code-breaker to swing at a three balls-no strikes pitch because the pitcher has to throw a good pitch or walk the batter and prolong the game.

The code expects the batter to be merciful.  If the batter swings it’s considered “rubbing it in.”

My favorite example from the book features former Minnesota Twin Torii Hunter made the mistake of swinging on a 3-0 pitch late in the game with a big lead against the Boston Red Sox.

After the game, Twins’ manager, Ron Gardenhire, brought Hunter — like a parent leading a child back to the store from which he stole — to the Red Sox clubhouse, to apologize in person to the team’s manager, Terry Francona.

Gardenhire said that he wanted Francona “to know we didn’t give a sign for him to swing away, that Torii just made a mistake…I thought that it was good for Torii to explain it to him, so I took him over.”

Gardy was also trying to prevent retribution that would likely escalate and lead to unnecessary bad blood between the two teams.  Why would there be bad blood?  Because there was an offense.  The code was broken.  Gardy was trying to smooth things over.  (See Chapters 7 and 9)

Here is the list of the chapters to give you a greater sense of what the code entails:

1. Know When To Steal `Em
2. Running Into The Catcher
3. Tag Appropriately
4. Intimidation
5. On Being Intimidated
6. Slide Into Bases Properly
7. Don’t Show Players Up
8. Responding To Records
9. Gamesmanship
10. Mound Conference Etiquette
11. Retaliation
12. The Wars
13. Hitters
14. Off The Field
15. Sign Stealing
16. Don’t Peek
17. Sign Stealing (Stadiums)
18. If You’re Not Cheating, You’re Not Trying
19. Caught Brown-Handed
20. Don’t Talk About A No-Hitter In Progress
21. Protect Yourself And Each Other
22. Everybody Joins A Fight
23. The Clubhouse Police

Conclusion: I enjoyed reading The Baseball Codes, though the language can be raw as the authors explain the multifaceted “code” in great detail. Herein lies one of the flaws of the book, the book drags as times.  More than a few couple times I skipped ahead.  Too often, in my opinion, the authors gave us several examples to illustrate part of the code when the best two or three would have been sufficient.

Baker, according to TwinCities.com, “was scheduled for surgery to clean scar tissue off a flexor tendon, a procedure that would have required about six months of rehabilitation. Instead, he will miss at least 12 months.”

I love mysteries.  I love pondering mysteries.  I love trying to solve mysteries.  I wonder:

Why did two MRI exams failed to detect a tear in Baker’s ligament?
What causes baseball pitchers to have such a high rate of elbow injuries?  

While the answer “arm strain” is obvious, I loved reading ESPN’s article “Force of habit” examines the subject in detail.

There are clues to some of the riddles of why, but real answers are usually very complex.

Unsolved Mysteries About People

You have your own unsolved mysteries, but here are a few of mine:

Why are some of the strongest men I know also the laziest?
Why are some of the most caring women I know also the most emotionally unstable?
Why are some of the smartest guys I know also the most foolishly impulsive?
Why are some of the most street-smart girls I know still duped by smooth talkers?

There are clues to some of the riddles of why, but real answers are usually very complex.

Theological Questions

While examining the Genesis account of Adam and Eve and the “Serpent” a TreeHouse teen named Jim asked a question he intended to be sarcastic: “Why would anyone even listen to a #^(<|~* snake anyway?”

Though I felt annoyed at Jim’s disruptive quest for attention, I thought his question was profound.  

Why would anyone ever listen to the serpent?  

I spent that night, and the days that followed, reading and quizzing theologians looking to find out the answer to that question.

There are clues to some of the riddles of why, but real answers are usually very complex.

Frankly, another mystery runs through my mind much more often: “Why had I never asked that question?“

Jim Thome signed with the MLB’s Philadelphia Phillies this off season.  I felt sad.  When he played with my local team, the Minnesota Twins, he was my favorite player.

Why?  Let me explain.

When Thome signed with the Twins before the 2010 season, the phone of (then) Twins general manager Bill Smith rang.

Smith recalled, “I got a call from someone with Philadelphia, telling me what a great guy we were getting…And then I got calls from the White Sox. And the Dodgers, even though he hadn’t been there a long time. And from Cleveland. They’d all say the same thing, about what a good guy he is.” 1

After Thome arrived in the 2010 spring training, he pulled Smith aside and mentioned to him that if the general manager ever thought it would be useful for Thome to talk to a young player in the organization, he’d be happy to do that.”

Greg Casterioto, with the Phillies said, “He genuinely looks for the good in everything and is the finest human being I’ve ever encountered in major league baseball.”

Most baseball teams — and companies — will not have hall of fame people.  Here are some strategies for dealing with problem people in your company.

Dealing With Problem People 2

How to deal with problem people:
Set up a private meeting, one-on-one.
Don’t allow any interruptions.

Use a friendly set up with regards to furniture arrangement.
Have a low coffee table (with refreshments) between you, and not an intimidating desk.
Sit on comfortable chairs and allow her or him to relax.

Discuss the problem by reassuring them their response is valid.

Encourage her/him to open up by
– asking open questions,
– indicate you are really listening and interested,
– summarize what their viewpoint is to make sure you understand and they know you do.

Admit your own weaknesses.

Next…
Place all possible options or solutions on the table.
Offer only facts, not opinions.
Provide information on other possible options the person may not be aware of.

Finding a solution:
Support their decision.
Agree on a course of action.
Set a review date
Let them know your door is always open

Things to avoid during the talk:
Don’t try to fill every silence. Let them talk
Don’t say, “I understand” because it annoys people in a difficult situation
Don’t judge
Don’t give any advice.

How can you become a hall of fame person?

“We have everything we need to live a life that pleases God. It was all given to us by God’s own power…Do your best to improve your faith. You can do this by adding goodness, understanding, self-control, patience, devotion to God, concern for others, and love.” 3
1 – Praise for Jim Thome by Buster Olney for ESPN

2 – These insights come from a BusinessSummaries.com summary of Ros Jay’s book Build A Great Team.

3 – 2 Peter 1:3, 5-7, CEV

Your workplace has the same challenges.  Building a team of competent employees is a challenge.

You can’t change someone’s personality, but you can implement strategies to help them perform professionally and more competently while on the job.

Most Common Types Of Problem People And Strategies To Help Them Succeed: 1

The non-communicative person.
Ask open questions that force her to explain what she thinks.

The person who doesn’t listen.
Ask him to repeat what you just said to see if he got it right.

The daydreamer.
Give him a task to share with someone else so he’s constantly on his toes.
Don’t give him monotonous work.

The loner.
This person may be more comfortable talking on the phone than face-to-face.
Exploit her talent for detailed, independent work on long-term projects.

The secretive person.
Make requests for information very specific and put it in writing.

The sulker.
Hear out her complaints, but don’t give in just because she seems unhappy.
If given the silent treatment, ask a question and wait for the response so she is forced to answer you.

The over-sensitive.
Never make a critical remark about their work in front of other people.
Build up their self-confidence by offering positive comments more than negative ones.

The martyr.
Don’t allow her to take on so much work.
Have a private talk and point out your concern for her health, and that she shouldn’t stress herself out.

The moaner.
Before he complains, ask if he needs any help.

The pessimist.
Ask for specifics on why he thinks the proposal will not work.
Remove his fear of failure or risk by relieving him of responsibility.
Make it a team responsibility.

The prejudiced person.
Team up the chauvinist pig with a group of women who know how to handle difficult jobs.
Don’t reinforce his prejudice with remarks about women drivers, etc.

The jobsworth type.
When asking them to do something that’s not in their job description, let them know you are asking them for a favor.
Respect them by making it easy for them to say no.

The control freak.
Sit them down and ask what is the worst possible scenario if this new action goes wrong.
Often it’s really not that bad.

The know-it-all.
Don’t humiliate them in front of others; you’ll just antagonize them.
Give them credit where it’s due, but make them share it with other team members.

The domineering type.
They tend to pick on the youngest, weakest, or least experienced one on the team.
Stand up for this person if he or she cannot stand up against the domineering one.

When the domineering personality tries to shout someone down, stay cool.
Don’t react. If everyone else ignores him he’ll soon realize how foolish he looks.

The primadonna.
Do not respond to this type.
If she becomes childish, opt out of the conversation until she is calm and rational.

The rowdy type.
Give him his own space where he won’t bother others.

The over-competitive type.
Encourage them to beat their own targets.

The aggressive type.
Stand up to them whenever you need to.

The manipulator.
Talk openly to bring out what their hidden agenda really is.
Don’t be too critical, but be friendly and nice

The rule bender.
Take disciplinary action or warn them that they will be reported.

The buck-passer.
Make it clear that taking responsibility means you are responsible no matter who actually does the work, and whether you’re there physically or not.
Put instructions in writing and be specific.

1 – These insights come from a BusinessSummaries.com summary of Ros Jay’s book Build A Great Team.

Mike Schmidt

I am a life-long Chicago Cubs fan.

Throughout his career Philadelphia Phillies third baseman Mike Schmidt was called a “Cubbie Killer” because of his success against the Cubs.

So when Mike Schmidt retired abruptly a few years ago many Cubs fans felt relief. I felt sad.  He was a great adversary.

Injuries to Schmidt’s rotator cuff added to his collection of aches and pains. Then after a poor start to the season, Schmidt suddenly chose to announce his retirement.

Schmidt surprised many with an emotional, and occasionally tearful, retirement speech. His body quit on him. Frustrated that he could not serve his team and his own standards he walked away.

Lamar Odom

Yesterday it was reported that NBA player Lamar Odom was being sent home for the rest of the season. The basketball player, entertainer, reality TV star, friend and family man is having his effort critiqued and his reputation sullied.

Graciously one byline reads “Mavericks, Lamar Odom agree to part ways” and another less graciously, “Odom mastered The Art of Not Trying in Dallas.” 2

“Failure,” wrote Jen Floyd Engel, “is the necessary price of greatness. This is why we respect Jana Novotna even as she cries on the Duchess of Kent’s shoulder after a particularly heartbreaking loss at Wimbledon, or Rangers closer Neftali Feliz even as he hangs his head after being bested by David Freese in the World Series. They simply failed in the moment.” 3

“Just as hate is not the antithesis of love, failure is not the antithesis of greatness. Not trying is.”

“Sports fans can, and often do, tolerate a lot from athletes…What we cannot comprehend is the athlete who will not try, who refused to dig in even when effort is all they have to give. There is no bigger sin in sports than not trying — except for quitting.”

Lesson

I’ve been burned out and exhausted many times in my career.
I’ve had hard times and some times wondered when I needed to move on.
I don’t think this is one of those times, but I know that it will come some day.

I think my takeaway from Schmidt and Odom’s examples is that I want to leave when I’m no longer effective and not when someone else has to tell me to leave.

“Be careful how you live“, wrote Jesus Christ’s friend Peter, so this is my prayer: 4

Please God give us the determination to do our best, the dignity to know when we have, and the humility to know when it’s time for a new chapter in the story.

1 – Glanville’s book, The Game from Where I Stand: A Ballplayer’s Inside View, was my favorite baseball read of 2011.

2 – Mavericks, Lamar Odom agree to part ways

3 – Odom mastered The Art of Not Trying in Dallas

4 – 1 Peter 2:12, NLT

Steve Garvey is a hall of fame baseball player. And, it seemed in many people’s eyes he was a hall of fame person. “He believed in doing the Right Thing. His parents smoked, but he never did. His teammates swore, but he never did.”

Rick Reilly explained in an article entitled, America’s Sweetheart that “For most of his nearly 41 years Garvey lived at the corner of Straight and Narrow.”

Then everything changed. Garvey explained, “Some people have a mid-life crisis,” he says. “I had a midlife disaster.”

Reilly tried to explain the disaster, “maybe sometimes he has confused responsibility to family with responsibility to fans. Recently he sat outside a Los Angeles courtroom where his visitation rights suit was being heard, happily signing autographs. Cyndy says he once sent his daughter Whitney a birthday card that read, “Happy Birthday, Best Wishes from Steve Garvey.”

Sadly, Garvey became “everything he never wanted to be: a divorced husband, an unloved father, an unadmired teammate, a sinning Christian, a lying man of honor, a failed businessman, a control freak out of control.”

Gotta Sort Priorities

I’ve struggled all my professional life balancing home life and work life. It’s so easy to see the neediness of those I serve, and far too easy to assume that my family will thrive while I help others survive.

By the grace of God, and the patient love of my wife and children I didn’t lose them.

Guarding Against Disaster

Many people lose track of what’s important in life.

““There are thousands and thousands of people out there leading lives of quiet, screaming desperation, where they work long, hard hours at jobs they hate to enable them to buy things they don’t need to impress people they don’t like.”” — Nigel Marsh

Nigel Marsh’s TED talk proposes a balance between family time, personal time and productivity while providing us with encouragement to make it happen. Advice I need.

Here’s more, “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her … In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself…(And), do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.” 1

Gotta Love Sacrificially & Sincerely

In the custody trial lawyers questioned Garvey’s daughter, Krisha:
Q: Do you want to see your father?
A: I don’t want to see him.
Q: Are you willing to?
A: No….
Q: Do you love your father?
A: No.
Q: Did you ever love your father?
A: When I was little.

And, I hear the echoing warnings, “do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.”

I don’t want to be another mid-life crisis become a “midlife disaster.”

I know that you don’t want to make a disaster of your life either.

Let’s pray together, “Please God, guard me from misguided priorities.”

1 – Ephesians 5:25, 28; 6:4 (NLT)

After missing 22 shots in a New Year’s Day loss to Denver, Bryant scoffed at reporters who hinted that he should have passed the ball to teammates: “If you’re asking me if I’m going to shoot less,” he said, “the answer is no. It starts with me. I do what I do. We play off of that, and that’s not going to change.”

“Go-to scorers in crunch time who are isolated against one or more defenders — the very definition of hero ball — almost never give up the basketball even though they are, in that moment, the least effective scorers on the court.” 1

Bryant has a passionate drive to succeed.  That’s a strength.  But, he also has a prideful blindness borne out of a fear of failure.

Blinded By Fear

Robert McGee has identified nine reactions — what I’m calling blind spots — people have when encumbered by a fear of failure. 2

1. Perfectionism – One of the most common symptoms of the fear of failure is perfectionism.  The perfectionist cannot accept any kind of mistake or failure. If this is a problem we face, we will almost always focus our attention on the one thing that went wrong rather than feeling good about the things that went right.  Perfectionists seem to be highly motivated, but the motivation comes from the fear that if we fail at anything, we will no longer feel good about ourselves.

2. Avoidance of Risks – Risk-avoiders are unwilling to be involved in anything at which they might not succeed.  They bypass new activities and potential friendships because the risk of failure seems too great.

3. Anger and Resentment – Anger and resentment may result when our performance is being criticized. We fear that criticism may expose a failure and that failure will bring about a loss of self-esteem.  Therefore, a person feels anger and resentment because he believes his critic is trying to steal the good feelings he has about himself. 3

4. Pride – A person may base her or his entire self-worth on being, or appearing, successful.  Unfortunately, when this person achieves success, he or she also may become full of pride.  However, the good feelings we experience as a result of pride seldom last long.  They usually disappear at the first sign of failure.  Pride looks like self-confidence but is really only a mask we wear to hide our fear of failure.

Yesterday, my co-worker Ash SanFilippo told us about a very intelligent friend whose pride dragged down his integrity.

As Ash explained, his friend when faced with a dilemma he did not know the answer to would construct a solution that seemed plausble and say it forcefully and convincingly.  His goal?  Appear intelligent in order to maintain a public self-image he cultivated.

Unfortunately, his efforts included fabrication, exaggeration and abject ignorance.  He deceived others to protect a false self because he feared failure so deeply.

More tomorrow.

1 – Hero Ball by Henry Abbott

2 – Robert McGee’s Search for Significance

3 – Self-check alert from yesterday: “How much time do you spend editing…” were all the words I needed to hear before my self-protective anger level rose.  I hate that as I tried to rush to publish yesterday I had more errors than the 2011 Chicago Cubs baseball team.

Water is a mighty force. The waves on the North Shore are among the mightiest. It’s important to acknowledge their power.

To fear the Lord means to acknowledge God’s great power, God’s complete authority over us, and all of creation, and God’s terrible hatred of the pollution of sin.

To fear God also means to acknowledge God’s tremendous love and mercy towards us, and His goodness. The Bible is clear, that ife has no ultimate meaning without God.

God is the point of the sand, the water, the waves, and the sunrise; God is the whole reason, for all existence.

We can come to God for help, for guidance, and for training, so that we may live rich, full lives serving God and leading others to God.

When we walk into the surf of God — the love and power of the Almighty — there is no limit as to what God can do for us and to what we can accomplish.

I googled it. In the gazillion possible places that google.com could find something it could only find two references to “Pecky’s” & “Schiller Park”, both on Facebook.

One was by a guy I graduated high school with. Having felt grateful that Paul Z kept the legacy of Pecky’s alive, I wrote him a thank you note.

Pecky’s & A “Player’s Coach”

The term “players coach” refers to a coach who places a high priority on connecting with her/his players. A “players coach” will take the time to understand his players. A players coach will take the time to understand the players so that he/she can build a healthy working relationship in order to maximize their strengths and minimize their weakness.

When I was in Little League playing baseball we had players coaches.

On special occasions, win or lose, our coaches would take us to Pecky’s for ice cream cones.

We loved it! Our manager treated us special. They took the time to get to know us. Well, truthfully, it isn’t hard to figure out that elementary school kids like ice cream. They didn’t just know, they followed through on what they knew.

“Chocolate, please.”, I always said, adding, “Thank you.”

Player’s Coach

I “love” chocolate ice cream. I didn’t dislike or hate vanilla, I just always liked chocolate better. I knew the taste of chocolate ice cream.  It was unmistakeable.

I would have known if I was given a vanilla cone. There’s no doubt about it.

Our manager gave us ice cream, unconditionally. God, like a players’ coach, knows what we need and gives us unconditional love.

“Dear friends,” the Bible says, “let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.” 1

It’s a different definition of “love” than my “love” for ice cream, but God’s nature, God’s flavor, is love. If you know what chocolate and vanilla taste like you won’t be confused. If you’ve experience God’s love – deeper than emotions, deeper than convictions, more meaningful than rules or religion – you won’t be confused. God is love.

I have many friends who do not know God yet; yes I meant you, thanks for reading! When we feel love, real love, and then we get to know God, it’s unmistakable. God is love.

Elsewhere, the Bible says, “The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge…”; God is love. Fear God. 2 

Love?  Fear?

Now I must admit I’m kinda afraid of that love. That’s mysilentscream.

More tomorrow.

1 – 1 John 4:7

2 – Proverbs 1:7