We can count on her. She has poise.
He produces in the clutch. He’s reliable.

Be careful not to count on previous reliability.

Previous Success Doesn’t Guarantee Future Success

This past Sunday the former Super Bowl MVP Deion Branch dropped two passes, and former Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady threw an interception, missed an open receiver and looked panicked.  They play for the New England Patriots, and lost.

I have found that choosing wisely in clutch situations is a constant battle against:
- will
- circumstances
- health
- emotions

Many people battle with their emotions, and lose.  

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our emotions.   According to Daniel Goleman there are five abilities that comprise our emotional intelligence. These abilities include:

• Knowing our emotions
• Managing our emotions
• Recognizing emotions in others
• Managing relationships with others
• Motivating ourselves to achieve our goals 1

Our emotional intelligence likely contributes more to successful and enjoyable living, than our general intelligence.

Good News: Since emotional intelligence is learned rather than inherited, it can be improved.

Clutch Players In The Lunchroom

I’ve worked with thousands of teens over the past twenty years.  Each with unique skill-sets, life experiences and drives.

As a student of people I love learning about cultures.  While the adolescent culture is constantly changing there are some constants.  One constant is some people are consistent students, some people are inconsistent students and some people are clutch players in the lunchroom.

Clutch players in the lunchroom:

• Remember a quiz is next hour and remind their classmates
• Focus on the task at hand and help others to do so
• Help others focus so they can succeed as well
• Recognize when conversations are playful and when they’ll escalate
• Step in and defend against bullies
• Mediate, calm others, and extinguish impulsive vengeful responses

Have you seen thse skills in others?
Have you seen those skills in yourself?

That’s applying emotional intelligence.

Personally, since I can be emotional, self-protective and impulsive I have found that a quick, sincere, three-second “Please God help me.  I need wisdom to choose wisely.” prayer has calmed me, focused me and helped me many times.

“If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won’t correct you for asking.” 2

Want to be a clutch player in your lunchroom?  Ask God for help and embrace the value of developing your emotional intelligence.

1 – Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman is http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james%201:5&version=NIV;NCV;NLT;CEV;MSG“>James 1:5, CEV

Here’s a short summary:
Eli Manning was poised.  
Tom Brady looked panicked.
Aaron Hernandez dropped two passes.  
Mario Manningham caught the one that mattered most.

As you can imagine Manning and Manningham play for the Super Bowl winning New York Giants.

Winners Win

NFL players are generally assumed to be the best players in their sport in the world.  While some would argue that the Giants and the New England Patriots were not great teams, they were successful and won when it mattered most.

The Patriots had one final chance to win the game as quarterback Tom Brady threw a long pass which was tipped away by a defender falling out the reach of a prospective hero trying to catch the ball.

Consistent plays and “Clutch plays” were the keys to success.

Clutch Plays

I’ll define a clutch play as productivity — when what needs to happen happens — when it’s most needed.

Clutch plays don’t just happen in football games.

Clutch plays happen in the lunchroom.
Clutch plays happen in the living room.
Clutch plays happen in the boardroom.
Clutch plays happen in the bedroom.

We can count on her.  She has poise.
He produces in the clutch.  He’s reliable.

This week mysilentscream will look at ways that we can be Clutch 4 Life.

If you’re a typical husband:
– you’re not eager to be vulnerable
– you don’t want to be corrected or enjoy opportunities to challenge your behavior
– you don’t want to schedule weekly interrogation sessions
Those concerns are addressed in the book. 

This book is meant to build you up, not to break you down.

The devotions are easy to follow and quite short — 800-900 words each — three or four minutes of reading.

Some readers will appreciate the brevity of each weekly devotional. Others will want more to reflect on. For those readers, Eggerichs provides 3-5 additional questions that “can be used for individual study, discussion groups, or sparking conversations between husband and wife” in the appendix.

I found Eggerichs’ book beneficial and worth my time, and I believe it will be worth your time too; even though the information varies in quality from insightful to clichéd to uninspired as the following four samples illustrate.

Chapter 1: And They Lived Happily Ever After . . . Not Necessarily
INSIGHT: In marriage, it is never about not falling. It is always about getting back up.

Chapter 20: Sex and Affection: A Two-Way Street
“Sex and affection are the best proving grounds to help you and your spouse grow in love and respect for each other physically, emotionally, and intimately. Look at the sexual aspect of your relationship as a compliment to how important you are in your spouse’s life. You are the only person who can meet this need in your spouse!”

Chapter 40: If Only We Didn’t Have Money Problems
INSIGHT: The Lord will provide for all our needs; we may have to wait for our wants.

Chapter 48: Do You Know How to Fight Fair?
ACTION: The next time you disagree, argue, or fight, stop and think: Am I being fair? Friendly? Civil? Gentle? Godly? Talk together about how to develop code words or phrases to use when fighting fair.

While there are a couple of common issues that Eggerichs does not address, he does touch on many subjects his readers will appreciate (see below).

Chapter 1: And They Lived Happily Ever After . . . Not Necessarily
Chapter 2: Pink and Blue: Not Wrong, Just Different!
Chapter 3: Do You Have a Goodwilled Marriage?
Chapter 4: God Joined You Together, and He Will Keep You Together
Chapter 5: The 80:20 Ratio: The Secret to Appreciating Your Marriage
Chapter 6: Mistakes Happen—and Then What?
Chapter 7: Question: What Is Love? Answer: C-O-U-P-L-E
Chapter 8: Question: What Is Respect? Answer: C-H-A-I-R-S
Chapter 9: Newton’s Law: The Crazy Cycle in Action
Chapter 10: He Loves Us Because He Loves Us Because He Loves Us!
Chapter 11: Her Pink plus His Blue Equals God’s Purple
Chapter 12: It’s All About Perspective
Chapter 13: Those Who Pray Together Learn to Love & Respect Together
Chapter 14: Who Is on Your Mental Committee?
Chapter 15: To Tell the Truth . . . Is Not Always Easy
Chapter 16: Feelings Aren’t Facts—Always Sort It Out
Chapter 17: What Is Really Going on Here?
Chapter 18: John Wooden: A Love & Respect Legacy for the Ages
Chapter 19: Forget the Negative Snapshots—Enjoy the Positive Movie
Chapter 20: Sex and Affection: A Two-Way Street
Chapter 21: Keep Your Eyes on the Lord, Not the Problem
Chapter 22: Our “Good” May Be Willing, but Our Flesh Can Be Weak
Chapter 23: Excuse Me, Is that Your Foot on My Air Hose?
Chapter 24: It’s Hard to Be Negative While Being Thankful
Chapter 25: Don’t Believe Everything Your Spouse Says (Especially in Anger)
Chapter 26: Forgiveness, Part I: Love & Respect Takes Two Good Forgivers
Chapter 27: Forgiveness, Part II: Got Forgiveness? Let Jesus Be Your Model
Chapter 28: No Matter How You Feel, Trust Scripture More Than Your Feelings
Chapter 29: Remember, God Designed Your Spouse— Be Patient!
Chapter 30: Impact Others with Love & Respect
Chapter 31: Mutual Submission, Sex, and Tuesday Night
Chapter 32: Anger Can Be Dangerous . . . Handle with Care
Chapter 33: All Things Do Work Together for Good . . . Sooner or Later
Chapter 34: Do You Seek to Understand or Only Want to Be Understood?
Chapter 35: It Is All About Me, After All
Chapter 36: Who Makes the First Move in Your Marriage?
Chapter 37: To Overcome the Past, Focus on the Prize
Chapter 38: Is My Response Always My Responsibility?
Chapter 39: Look! Just Over Your Spouse’s Shoulder! It’s Jesus!
Chapter 40: If Only We Didn’t Have Money Problems
Chapter 41: Your Spouse Has Needs Only You Can Fill
Chapter 42: But Is Your Spouse Supposed to Meet All Your Needs?
Chapter 43: Your Children Are Watching
Chapter 44: I Am Not Being Defensive!
Chapter 45: How Positive Are You with Each Other?
Chapter 46: Do You Ever Play the Blame Game?
Chapter 47: Groupthink Can Be Toxic to Your Marriage
Chapter 48: Do You Know How to Fight Fair?
Chapter 49: Your Words Reveal Your Heart
Chapter 50: Why We All Need Respect
Chapter 51: Plug into the Power of Optimism
Chapter 52: When It’s All Been Said and Done

Disclosure: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 [...] “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Fortunately, not one of my mistakes has ended in the headlines.

Headlines

Dallas Morning News reported today that Major League baseball player, “Rangers’ Josh Hamilton has relapse with alcohol at area bar.”  USA Today, Washington Post, Fox Sports, it’s on the news, it’s filling the headlines.

“Someone went to a bar” is hardly news. “Someone had a few drinks” isn’t either.  Unless that someone is, as Jeff Passan described him, the “most famous addict in sports.”  Then, everyone who knows about you knows that that’s a problem.  Josh Hamilton’s story of self-destruction, sobriety, redemption and success have been well-documented including his autobiographical Beyond Belief: Finding the Strength to Come Back.

Horror Stories

Yahoo Sports Jeff Passan wrote, “The worst part about Josh Hamilton’s relapse is that he didn’t care. The most famous addict in sports does not go to a bar in the town where he is best known without full knowledge that his exploits will become public…Only Hamilton understands why he would choose such a setting to drink, whether it was the empowerment of doing what he wants, where he wants, when he wants, or if it was his way of asking for help as he floats about without an accountability partner.”

I’m not trying to dump on Josh Hamilton or to make his bad week even worse.  His tale is a cautionary tale for all of us!

Helpful Warning

This is the fifth of a series on Pro Bowl — all-star quality — friendships.  The fifth, and most relevant to me personally is, to “Check To See If You Have Excessive Need For Approval.”

I’ve been an accountability partner, and I’ve had my own need for accountability partners, formal and informal.  People who hold me accountable to values I’ve chosen or want to uphold.

Honest Accountability

This weekend I will see my two dearest friends. They are the two men who have held me most accountable.  I love them, but there are other times that I have been reluctant to see them because I’m struggling.  Other times, because of my fear of rejection — and my need for approval — I have either avoided them, intentionally changed the subject or outright lied.

I know I lied.  I may not have said “black” was “white” kind of lie, but I know I wasn’t answering their question honestly.

Gerry Fraley reported, “Hamilton drank alcohol Monday night ( and) teammate Ian Kinsler also showed up at the bar for what appeared to be an attempt to persuade Hamilton to return to his home…”

Good friends may have protected me, but it has been and (as long as I’m healthy) always will be my responsibility to choose wisely and find accountability partners.  It’s not enough to have them, it’s also important to follow their wise advice.

MLB.com’s T.R. Sullivan interviewed Hamilton after his last relapse.  ”I feel like I’ve been humbled…I got away from the one thing that kept me on the straight and narrow and that was my relationship with the Lord. That should always come first. Hopefully some good will come out of this…”

“Obviously it was one those things that reinforce that I can’t have alcohol…Maybe this will show people that if they are recovering and make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world. You can get back on the right track. Hopefully I can use God’s glory to show that I do have struggles. This just lets me know that I need Christ more than ever.”

Want Pro Bowl — all-star quality — friendships?  Yes, we do; then they will include “I’m not gonna hide in my fears” accountability.

This is my challenge for you and this is mysilentscream into my own ear.

Note – If you’re interested in reading more from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” you can find it here.

Choosing the best possible players doesn’t guarantee success.  Each player still has the responsibility to perform at his highest level in concert with his fellow teammates.

Game Planning

If you could choose a roster of friends would you have chosen someone like yourself? If you could game plan how you relate to your friends would you make the same choices that you have? If you could game plan how your friends related to you would you make the same choices that they do?

Regardless what they choose, or you have chosen in the past, you can game plan now to be a winning role model of what a Pro Bowl quality friend should be.

Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” suggests:

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”
Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.
Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships – Were, and where were, you at fault?

Check To See If You Employ Old Methods Of Relating That No Longer Work

Each of us has emotional needs, and along the way each of us has acquired a bagful of tricks for getting those needs met. Unfortunately, we can learn some very dysfunctional ways of meeting those needs, and those patterns can get us into trouble again and again.

In honor of Shawn White’s courage and determination and hard work, if you want to have a Gold-Medal winning friendship I’ve got some advice. 

“Wait a minute!”  I know, this week I’m writing about Pro Bowl quality friendships, but I’m diverting the metaphor for today.

I know mixing my metaphors is a no-no, but he got a perfect score!

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”

Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.

Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships

Shawn White had won the gold.  He had nothing to prove.  He had fallen on his previous run, he could have walked away with a smile and his fifth straight gold medal, he didn’t.  That snowboarding run was “meaningless”, except that he set an even higher standard.

You and I could settle for the friendship depth and quality that we have.  It’s okay to do so.  Few people, in anyone, would complain.  You could hope that someone else would take the initiative, to take the risk, to step forward and be more vulnerable, trusting and courageous than you’ve been already, or you could be the one.

Shawn White does tricks that no one else on the planet does.  He’s blessed with good health, physically gifted and a hard-working athlete.

Who falls.
Who fails.
Who gets hurt.
Who feels embarrassed.
Who fears failure, rejection and injury…just like me, and you!

Fear-Free Friends

If you want your friendships to soar you’ll need courage, determination and a willingness not to give in to your fears.  If a large number of your close friendships fill with drama, it’s wise to assess if your patterns of relating are causing the problem.  Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s not. 

Most people have normal friendships. Humble prayer and an honest assessment will help you determine if your fears are limiting your friendships.  Consider asking an honest, trustworthy person’s opinion of how you relate to others.  Maybe you’ll be grateful that “It’s not you!”, or maybe you’ll be disappointed “It’s you”, but grateful later when you make amends.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you passed over Shawn White’s victory run, watch it now. He didn’t need to take the risk. No one would have complained. Let his example inspire us to do our best too! Here!

My challenge for you and me is to have gold medal winning friendships.

Note – These strategies are from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” you can find it here.

Yesterday we addressed how important it is to:

Locate The Trouble Spot

Look back. Try to assess what has gone wrong.
Where did the misunderstanding or conflict begin?

Then, as often as needed, apologize.

Apologize When You’re Wrong

All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from admitting it and trying to patch up the relationship. You might have One Republic’s song “Apologize” running through your head:

That it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late…
I said it’s too late to apologize.
It’s too late.

BUT, it’s not.

Most apologies are best in person, but others are not.

Some apologies are well-received, both others are not.

Here’s a guideline that might help us both.  Norman Vincent Peale wrote, “A true apology is more than just acknowledgment of a mistake. It is recognition that something you have said or done has damaged a relationship, and that you care enough about the relationship to want it repaired and restored.”

Don’t beat up yourself.
Don’t bail when it get tough.
Don’t lose a friendship worth saving.

My Apology, His Graciousness

This week I was hoping, and planning, to travel with one of my very best friends to Chicago.  In what was almost the last minute I had to call and cancel.  I hated it.  I was looking forward to traveling, talking, laughing and processing life together.  He was too.

Life got in the way.  I had to disappoint one person in order to please another.  I hate choosing like that, but it had to be done.

I called.  I left a voicemail.  I left him a message on Facebook.  I apologized not once, but twice.  As gracious as can be, he both let me off the hook and didn’t ask details.

If you screwed up, fess up.

Note – These two practices are from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” youcanfindithere.

The Pro Bowl has different rules from other NFL games to make the game safer. 2

No motion or shifting by the offense
Offense must have a tight end in all formations
Offense can’t have 3 receivers on a side
Intentional grounding is legal
Defense must run a 4-3 at all times
No press coverage except inside the 5 yard line
No blitz
Not allowed to rush a Punt, PAT or FG attempt
No calls can be challenged

Challenged

Yes, “No calls can be challenged”, regardless how bad a referee’s call might be it’s unchallengeable.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life.   Our mistakes cannot be challenged and corrected.  Most of my mistakes have affected my relationships with family and friends.

This week I’m challenging myself to apply five friendship principles from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” that I’m suggesting are part of Pro Bowl friendships. 3

Locate The Trouble Spot

Look back. Try to assess what has gone wrong.

How did we get into this mess?
Where did the misunderstanding or conflict begin?
What solution were you looking for?
What did you hope would happen?

Most mistakes I’ve made with good intentions but misguided logic.

1 – http://www.nfl.com/probowl/ballot

2 – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_bowl

3 – If you’re interested in reading more from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” you can find it here.

“Sex trafficking victims reveal horror of witchcraft and torture being used to enslave women in Scotland“

Assuming it’s true — and I have no reason not to think it isn’t — it’s so heart-breaking and horrific.

FML

One “victim had been trafficked from Africa and was only prostituted in Scotland. She was trafficked by a trusted community member she turned to after witnessing the murder of her parents and grandparents by the police.”

In case you skimmed over that too fast:
– She was kidnapped by “a trusted community member”
– After WATCHING her parents and grandparents murdered
– Her parents and grandparents were murdered by the police
– Then she was dragged away from loved ones to another continent
– She was forced to be a sex-slave

WT…

Why is God is willing to let such terrible things happen?
Why is God so patient with horrible people?
Why has God given people so much free will that they can think of doing those things?
How can God put up with it?

Someone might suggest God doesn’t care, is emotionally detached, or too busy. Nothing could be further from the truth. God looks forward to the day when “they will recognize how hurt I am by their unfaithful hearts and lustful eyes.” 1

As bad as it looks now, it’s not hopeless.

PTL

Every generation has selfish, stubborn, cruel people. For the slaves, the slave traders, for Christians, Muslims, Witches, Atheists, Agnostics, for me and for you there is hope.

“(In their heartache and humility) they will hate themselves for all their detestable sins……Put all your rebellion behind you, and find yourselves a new heart and a new spirit.” 2

Fortunately, it’s not all up to us.  We don’t have to search for a surgeon on Health Grades or MDNationwide, or RateMDs, God prompts us to look for some spiritual doctoring and provides the heart surgery:

“I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart.” 3

Slave traders need heart surgery, and so do you and I.

1 – Ezekiel 6:9
2 – Ezekiel 6:9; 18:31
3 – Ezekiel 3:10

She chases after “Mr. Perfect.”
He’s looking to “hit it.”

She’s settling.
He’s settling.

You must love yourself before you can love another.

Accept yourself for who you are, but don’t “settle.”
- Don’t let addictions stand in your way.
- Don’t let lies blind you.
- Don’t let self-pity poison your heart.

“You’re better than that!!!”  That’s mysilentscream.