We can count on her. She has poise.
He produces in the clutch. He’s reliable.

Be careful not to count on previous reliability.

Previous Success Doesn’t Guarantee Future Success

This past Sunday the former Super Bowl MVP Deion Branch dropped two passes, and former Super Bowl MVP Tom Brady threw an interception, missed an open receiver and looked panicked.  They play for the New England Patriots, and lost.

I have found that choosing wisely in clutch situations is a constant battle against:
- will
- circumstances
- health
- emotions

Many people battle with their emotions, and lose.  

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand and manage our emotions.   According to Daniel Goleman there are five abilities that comprise our emotional intelligence. These abilities include:

• Knowing our emotions
• Managing our emotions
• Recognizing emotions in others
• Managing relationships with others
• Motivating ourselves to achieve our goals 1

Our emotional intelligence likely contributes more to successful and enjoyable living, than our general intelligence.

Good News: Since emotional intelligence is learned rather than inherited, it can be improved.

Clutch Players In The Lunchroom

I’ve worked with thousands of teens over the past twenty years.  Each with unique skill-sets, life experiences and drives.

As a student of people I love learning about cultures.  While the adolescent culture is constantly changing there are some constants.  One constant is some people are consistent students, some people are inconsistent students and some people are clutch players in the lunchroom.

Clutch players in the lunchroom:

• Remember a quiz is next hour and remind their classmates
• Focus on the task at hand and help others to do so
• Help others focus so they can succeed as well
• Recognize when conversations are playful and when they’ll escalate
• Step in and defend against bullies
• Mediate, calm others, and extinguish impulsive vengeful responses

Have you seen thse skills in others?
Have you seen those skills in yourself?

That’s applying emotional intelligence.

Personally, since I can be emotional, self-protective and impulsive I have found that a quick, sincere, three-second “Please God help me.  I need wisdom to choose wisely.” prayer has calmed me, focused me and helped me many times.

“If any of you need wisdom, you should ask God, and it will be given to you. God is generous and won’t correct you for asking.” 2

Want to be a clutch player in your lunchroom?  Ask God for help and embrace the value of developing your emotional intelligence.

1 – Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman is http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james%201:5&version=NIV;NCV;NLT;CEV;MSG“>James 1:5, CEV

Here’s a short summary:
Eli Manning was poised.  
Tom Brady looked panicked.
Aaron Hernandez dropped two passes.  
Mario Manningham caught the one that mattered most.

As you can imagine Manning and Manningham play for the Super Bowl winning New York Giants.

Winners Win

NFL players are generally assumed to be the best players in their sport in the world.  While some would argue that the Giants and the New England Patriots were not great teams, they were successful and won when it mattered most.

The Patriots had one final chance to win the game as quarterback Tom Brady threw a long pass which was tipped away by a defender falling out the reach of a prospective hero trying to catch the ball.

Consistent plays and “Clutch plays” were the keys to success.

Clutch Plays

I’ll define a clutch play as productivity — when what needs to happen happens — when it’s most needed.

Clutch plays don’t just happen in football games.

Clutch plays happen in the lunchroom.
Clutch plays happen in the living room.
Clutch plays happen in the boardroom.
Clutch plays happen in the bedroom.

We can count on her.  She has poise.
He produces in the clutch.  He’s reliable.

This week mysilentscream will look at ways that we can be Clutch 4 Life.

If you’re a typical husband:
– you’re not eager to be vulnerable
– you don’t want to be corrected or enjoy opportunities to challenge your behavior
– you don’t want to schedule weekly interrogation sessions
Those concerns are addressed in the book. 

This book is meant to build you up, not to break you down.

The devotions are easy to follow and quite short — 800-900 words each — three or four minutes of reading.

Some readers will appreciate the brevity of each weekly devotional. Others will want more to reflect on. For those readers, Eggerichs provides 3-5 additional questions that “can be used for individual study, discussion groups, or sparking conversations between husband and wife” in the appendix.

I found Eggerichs’ book beneficial and worth my time, and I believe it will be worth your time too; even though the information varies in quality from insightful to clichéd to uninspired as the following four samples illustrate.

Chapter 1: And They Lived Happily Ever After . . . Not Necessarily
INSIGHT: In marriage, it is never about not falling. It is always about getting back up.

Chapter 20: Sex and Affection: A Two-Way Street
“Sex and affection are the best proving grounds to help you and your spouse grow in love and respect for each other physically, emotionally, and intimately. Look at the sexual aspect of your relationship as a compliment to how important you are in your spouse’s life. You are the only person who can meet this need in your spouse!”

Chapter 40: If Only We Didn’t Have Money Problems
INSIGHT: The Lord will provide for all our needs; we may have to wait for our wants.

Chapter 48: Do You Know How to Fight Fair?
ACTION: The next time you disagree, argue, or fight, stop and think: Am I being fair? Friendly? Civil? Gentle? Godly? Talk together about how to develop code words or phrases to use when fighting fair.

While there are a couple of common issues that Eggerichs does not address, he does touch on many subjects his readers will appreciate (see below).

Chapter 1: And They Lived Happily Ever After . . . Not Necessarily
Chapter 2: Pink and Blue: Not Wrong, Just Different!
Chapter 3: Do You Have a Goodwilled Marriage?
Chapter 4: God Joined You Together, and He Will Keep You Together
Chapter 5: The 80:20 Ratio: The Secret to Appreciating Your Marriage
Chapter 6: Mistakes Happen—and Then What?
Chapter 7: Question: What Is Love? Answer: C-O-U-P-L-E
Chapter 8: Question: What Is Respect? Answer: C-H-A-I-R-S
Chapter 9: Newton’s Law: The Crazy Cycle in Action
Chapter 10: He Loves Us Because He Loves Us Because He Loves Us!
Chapter 11: Her Pink plus His Blue Equals God’s Purple
Chapter 12: It’s All About Perspective
Chapter 13: Those Who Pray Together Learn to Love & Respect Together
Chapter 14: Who Is on Your Mental Committee?
Chapter 15: To Tell the Truth . . . Is Not Always Easy
Chapter 16: Feelings Aren’t Facts—Always Sort It Out
Chapter 17: What Is Really Going on Here?
Chapter 18: John Wooden: A Love & Respect Legacy for the Ages
Chapter 19: Forget the Negative Snapshots—Enjoy the Positive Movie
Chapter 20: Sex and Affection: A Two-Way Street
Chapter 21: Keep Your Eyes on the Lord, Not the Problem
Chapter 22: Our “Good” May Be Willing, but Our Flesh Can Be Weak
Chapter 23: Excuse Me, Is that Your Foot on My Air Hose?
Chapter 24: It’s Hard to Be Negative While Being Thankful
Chapter 25: Don’t Believe Everything Your Spouse Says (Especially in Anger)
Chapter 26: Forgiveness, Part I: Love & Respect Takes Two Good Forgivers
Chapter 27: Forgiveness, Part II: Got Forgiveness? Let Jesus Be Your Model
Chapter 28: No Matter How You Feel, Trust Scripture More Than Your Feelings
Chapter 29: Remember, God Designed Your Spouse— Be Patient!
Chapter 30: Impact Others with Love & Respect
Chapter 31: Mutual Submission, Sex, and Tuesday Night
Chapter 32: Anger Can Be Dangerous . . . Handle with Care
Chapter 33: All Things Do Work Together for Good . . . Sooner or Later
Chapter 34: Do You Seek to Understand or Only Want to Be Understood?
Chapter 35: It Is All About Me, After All
Chapter 36: Who Makes the First Move in Your Marriage?
Chapter 37: To Overcome the Past, Focus on the Prize
Chapter 38: Is My Response Always My Responsibility?
Chapter 39: Look! Just Over Your Spouse’s Shoulder! It’s Jesus!
Chapter 40: If Only We Didn’t Have Money Problems
Chapter 41: Your Spouse Has Needs Only You Can Fill
Chapter 42: But Is Your Spouse Supposed to Meet All Your Needs?
Chapter 43: Your Children Are Watching
Chapter 44: I Am Not Being Defensive!
Chapter 45: How Positive Are You with Each Other?
Chapter 46: Do You Ever Play the Blame Game?
Chapter 47: Groupthink Can Be Toxic to Your Marriage
Chapter 48: Do You Know How to Fight Fair?
Chapter 49: Your Words Reveal Your Heart
Chapter 50: Why We All Need Respect
Chapter 51: Plug into the Power of Optimism
Chapter 52: When It’s All Been Said and Done

Disclosure: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 [...] “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Choosing the best possible players doesn’t guarantee success.  Each player still has the responsibility to perform at his highest level in concert with his fellow teammates.

Game Planning

If you could choose a roster of friends would you have chosen someone like yourself? If you could game plan how you relate to your friends would you make the same choices that you have? If you could game plan how your friends related to you would you make the same choices that they do?

Regardless what they choose, or you have chosen in the past, you can game plan now to be a winning role model of what a Pro Bowl quality friend should be.

Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” suggests:

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”
Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.
Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships – Were, and where were, you at fault?

Check To See If You Employ Old Methods Of Relating That No Longer Work

Each of us has emotional needs, and along the way each of us has acquired a bagful of tricks for getting those needs met. Unfortunately, we can learn some very dysfunctional ways of meeting those needs, and those patterns can get us into trouble again and again.

In honor of Shawn White’s courage and determination and hard work, if you want to have a Gold-Medal winning friendship I’ve got some advice. 

“Wait a minute!”  I know, this week I’m writing about Pro Bowl quality friendships, but I’m diverting the metaphor for today.

I know mixing my metaphors is a no-no, but he got a perfect score!

Locate The Trouble Spot – Try to assess what has gone wrong. Ask yourself, “How did we get into this mess?”

Apologize When You’re Wrong – All of us mess up. It is foolish to let pride and insecurity keep us from repairing and restoring.

Check To See If Your Fears Are Spoiling Your Friendships

Shawn White had won the gold.  He had nothing to prove.  He had fallen on his previous run, he could have walked away with a smile and his fifth straight gold medal, he didn’t.  That snowboarding run was “meaningless”, except that he set an even higher standard.

You and I could settle for the friendship depth and quality that we have.  It’s okay to do so.  Few people, in anyone, would complain.  You could hope that someone else would take the initiative, to take the risk, to step forward and be more vulnerable, trusting and courageous than you’ve been already, or you could be the one.

Shawn White does tricks that no one else on the planet does.  He’s blessed with good health, physically gifted and a hard-working athlete.

Who falls.
Who fails.
Who gets hurt.
Who feels embarrassed.
Who fears failure, rejection and injury…just like me, and you!

Fear-Free Friends

If you want your friendships to soar you’ll need courage, determination and a willingness not to give in to your fears.  If a large number of your close friendships fill with drama, it’s wise to assess if your patterns of relating are causing the problem.  Maybe it’s you, maybe it’s not. 

Most people have normal friendships. Humble prayer and an honest assessment will help you determine if your fears are limiting your friendships.  Consider asking an honest, trustworthy person’s opinion of how you relate to others.  Maybe you’ll be grateful that “It’s not you!”, or maybe you’ll be disappointed “It’s you”, but grateful later when you make amends.

Ladies and Gentlemen, if you passed over Shawn White’s victory run, watch it now. He didn’t need to take the risk. No one would have complained. Let his example inspire us to do our best too! Here!

My challenge for you and me is to have gold medal winning friendships.

Note – These strategies are from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” you can find it here.

The Pro Bowl has different rules from other NFL games to make the game safer. 2

No motion or shifting by the offense
Offense must have a tight end in all formations
Offense can’t have 3 receivers on a side
Intentional grounding is legal
Defense must run a 4-3 at all times
No press coverage except inside the 5 yard line
No blitz
Not allowed to rush a Punt, PAT or FG attempt
No calls can be challenged

Challenged

Yes, “No calls can be challenged”, regardless how bad a referee’s call might be it’s unchallengeable.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life.   Our mistakes cannot be challenged and corrected.  Most of my mistakes have affected my relationships with family and friends.

This week I’m challenging myself to apply five friendship principles from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” that I’m suggesting are part of Pro Bowl friendships. 3

Locate The Trouble Spot

Look back. Try to assess what has gone wrong.

How did we get into this mess?
Where did the misunderstanding or conflict begin?
What solution were you looking for?
What did you hope would happen?

Most mistakes I’ve made with good intentions but misguided logic.

1 – http://www.nfl.com/probowl/ballot

2 – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pro_bowl

3 – If you’re interested in reading more from Alan Loy McGinnis’ book “The Friendship Factor” you can find it here.

Charlie Bales has an unusually large nose and is an easy target for Insults and putdowns. 1

Confronted by an adversary who calls him “Big Nose” Bales diminishes the power of the insult by creating twenty insults of his own, including:

Personal: Well, here we are, just the three of us.
Punctual: All right…your nose was on time but YOU were fifteen minutes late.
Humorous: Laugh & the world laughs with you. Sneeze, and it’s goodbye, Seattle!
Scientific: Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
Aromatic: It must wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee…in Brazil. 2

No Putdowns

At TreeHouse, my workplace, we have several “House Rules” including “No Putdowns.”

While there may be funny banter, most putdowns are toxic.

Putdowns poison relationships.

Putdowns insult the attacked.
Putdowns disrespect the listeners.
Putdowns exposes the shame of the one insulting the other.

Even though it seems like the natural thing to do, “Let’s stop condemning each other.”Others may criticize you, but “be careful not to fall into the same temptation…(instead) encourage each other and build each other up.” 3

If someone verbally attacks, criticizes or blames you, don’t stoop to their level.

As ridiculous and counter-cultural as it might seem, “Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.”

“Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good…Never pay back evil with more evil.” In fact, when you’re putdown, insulted or rumors are spread about you, pray about it. Present your “case in the hands of God, who always judges fairly.“4

Be Different – Make A Change

The time for action is now. It’s never too late to do something.

“You cannot do a kindness too soon, for you never know how soon it will be too late.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Realize that it’s never too late to learn to do the right thing.

More tomorrow.

1 – Steve Martin stars as C.D. Bales, in the 1987 movie Roxanne; a retelling of the play Cyrano de Bergerac.
2 – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWNLhptltBg&feature=related
3- Romans 14:13; Galatians 6:1; 1Thesssalonians 5:11. NLT
4- Romans 12:21; Romans 12:17; 1 Peter 2:23; 1 Peter 3:9. NLT

That said, Murrow’s title was compelling.  Here’s what I learned.

Here are his chapter titles and my brief summaries:

PART 1: WHERE ARE THE MEN?

1. Perfectly Designed – The church needs a re-design to open doors to men.
2. Yes, There Really Is a Gender Gap – And, it’s increasing worldwide
3. Men: Who Needs ’Em? – We do they bring balance, energy and drive
4. Who Are the Missing Men? – They’re getting “results” somewhere.
5. The Masculinity Bank – A typical man won’t do something he believes is feminine.
6. The Two Jesuses – We’re taught God’s meekness we no longer fear his wrath.

PART 2: CHURCH CULTURE VS. MAN CULTURE

7. Victoria’s Secret…When We Lost the Men – When the church culture feminized.
8. The Christian-Industrial Complex – Has softened Jesus’ image.
9. Men and Contemporary Worship -  Men need songs they can sing in the right key.
10. Twelve Things Men Fear About Church – (This list is poignant & funny.)
11. The Stars vs. the Scrubs – Men need to feel they offer a valuable contribution.
12. Check Your Testosterone at the Door – Feminine vocabulary is used more.
13. How Churches Feminize over Time – We need to reassert a kingdom model.
14. How Churches Drive Boys Away from the Faith – “Sit still.  Be quiet”

PART 3: CALLING THE CHURCH BACK TO MEN

15. The Battle to Reengage Men – Give men attention and contribution, and they respond.
16. Why Megachurches Are Mega – Men have prominent, conspicuous roles.
17. Pastors and Men – Male pastors need to connect with other men.
18. Teaching and Men – Like Jesus keep it concise, visual, and interactive.
19. Getting the Big Story Right – The gospel is equal parts demanding mission and personal relationship.
20. What About Women? – Women pastors and leaders, become students of men.
21. Young Men and Faith – WANTED: spiritually healthy male role models
22. Men, Prayer, and a Few Other Things – Men change when they minister to others—and when they allow others to minister to them.
23. How Men Minister to Others – Offer principles to help men feel needed again.
24. How to Minister to Men – Build a band of brothers who build up one another.
25. A Church for Everyone – Develop Christian communities for men.

I highly recommend this book for Christian communities who want to see some of their blind-spots and for those who want to have a positive impact in their transforming their micro-culture.

In the forward the author wrote, “I’ve trimmed this revision down to fighting weight. Why Men was my first book, and I didn’t know if there was going to be another one. So I packed it with too much verbiage and a few rabbit trails. I’ve completely reorganized this new edition, adding the latest findings and examples from churches that are turning the tide. And I’ve created the most requested feature—a chapter-by-chapter group discussion guide.”  

That’s the kind of honest-to-guys (and gals) talk this book includes.

The guide is available free from the author’s website, in three versions (6wk, 12wk, 24wk versions).  I highly recommend the discussion guides found on: www.churchformen.com/guides.

Disclosure: I received this book free from the publisher through the BookSneeze®.com book review bloggers program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255 [...] “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

Most of us do not have such exclusive finite dreams; only one in 312 million people can become president. 2

Newt Gingrich, Ron Paul, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum remain to oppose President Obama in the 2012 Presidential election.  They dream on.

Dreams Deferred

Ezekiel, like us, lived in a troubled times. A war had divided his country, politics were a mess, economic hardship, and religious confusion.

Surrounded by hopeless and defeated people Ezekiel wanted a change.

His dreams, his hopes and his prayers stirred; in stepped God. God wanted, and got, Ezekiel’s attention.

Ezekiel explained, “The LORD took hold of me, and I was carried away by the Spirit of the LORD to a valley filled with bones.” 3

You and I are surrounded by dead and lifeless people too. I’m in a coffee shop right now surrounded by unconscious coffee drinkers looking for a recharge. Seated in the seats are:
– Young romantics trying to set to flame relationships.
– Business people trying to stir up business.
– Frustrated moms trying to solve their parenting problems.
– College students trying to solve their math problems.
– Two women trying to strategize solutions to homelessness.

God cares about them. God cared about Ezekiel’s neighbors too. “Speak”, God said to Ezekiel, “Speak, a prophetic message to these bones and say, ‘Dry bones, listen to the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again!“

Then and now people want hope. they want to live. They want their dreams to become reality. They are tired of the indifference, disappointment and despair that have accompanied their nightmares.

God Empowered Dreams

God continued, “I will put flesh and muscles on you and cover you with skin. I will put breath into you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.’”

So despite all the reasons and doubts Ezekiel must have felt, “I spoke just as he told me. Suddenly as I spoke, there was a rattling noise all across the valley. Bones reattached.  Muscles appeared.  Skin covered them!”

BUT they were like zombies; standing upright, but lifeless.

Then God said to me, “Speak a prophetic message to the wind, say, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come, O breath, from the four winds! Breathe into these dead bodies so they may live again.’”

Again Ezekiel must have thought, “Who speaks to wind?” But, he wrote, “I spoke the message as he commanded me, and breath came into their bodies. They all came to life!“

God STILL Empowers Dreams

God wanted to transform the walking dead.
God still does.
Lifeless people surround you and me.
Sometimes they are me.
Sometimes they are you.

“I will put my Spirit in you, and you will live again…Then you will know that I, the LORD, have spoken, and I have done what I said. Yes, the LORD has spoken!’”

Like Ezekiel, build today on a momentum of hope. God empowers hope and visions of change. 

Never fret any imperfections that you fear may impede your progress; ask God for help: “Please God help me…”

Dreams That Become Reality Require Progress

Remind yourself — as often as necessary — that God powerfully empowers dreams. Step out of doubts and distractions.  Never consider yourself defeated again. Let the vision in your heart become your life’s blueprint.

Dave Thomas wanted his dreams to become reality. He set a blueprint for Wendy’s Restaurants. He defined a culture:

1. Quality is Our Recipe
2. Do the Right Thing
3. Treat People with Respect – Just be nice.
4. Profit is Not a Dirty Word
5. Giving Back

Dave was adopted as a child, Dave believed every youngster deserves a permanent home and loving family. His passion led to the creation of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption, dedicated to dramatically increasing the number of adoptions in North America. Dave said if just one child got adopted, all the effort would be worth it.  4

What dreams do you have?
What gets in your way?

Did God prompt that dream?
Ezekiel was just a guy; a troubled guy surrounded, but troubled people.  He chose to obey God and lives were changed.

God waiting at your door for you to open it.
God wants to transform lives through you too.

1 – Rick Perry Updates: ABC News, CBS News, Fox News, Huffington Post
2 – Current U.S. Census Bureau population projections
3 – Ezekiel 37:1-14, NLT
4 – Dave’s Way by Dave Thomas

He was born to a young unmarried woman he never knew.
He was given up for adoption.
He was without parents until he was adopted when he was six weeks old.
He was without a mom – at five years old his adopted mom died.
He was without a dad – when he dad traveled around looking for work.

He did have a grandmother who modeled and taught him important life lessons.

No one would have predicted that a teen, who grew up poor with a troubled childhood and a limited education, would build a worldwide corporation and become incredibly wealthy.

Dreamers Don’t Let Circumstances Provide Excuses

Dave Thomas settled in Fort Wayne, Indiana when moved in with his dad. When he was fifteen years old he dropped out of high school to work full-time. When his dad prepared to move again Dave stayed behind and moved into a YMCA.

While working at a restaurant Dave met Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken (now KFC) and the man who became one of the greatest influences in his life.

When he was thirty years old Dave had a chance to turn around four failing KFC restaurants in Columbus, Ohio. Four years later, by using his experience, determination and hard work the failing KFC became profitable and Dave Thomas became a millionaire.

Dave Thomas explained that “(I had) a chance to live the life I want and work to make my dreams come true. We should never take our freedoms for granted, and we should seize every opportunity presented to us.”

When he was a child, Dave dreamed of opening a hamburger restaurant. It took until he was thirty-seven until his dreams became a reality.

How?

HARD WORK and determination.

“With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable,” wrote the 18th century British philanthropist Thomas Foxwell Buxton.

FYI – Dave Thomas considered dropping out of high school the greatest mistake of his life.

More tomorrow about what helped Dave Thomas — a high school dropout — become a millionaire.

1 – Dave Thomas bio available on wendys.com</strong>

2 – Dave’s Way by Dave Thomas