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Mar 3

A Self-Esteem Civil War – When I Feel “Blind, Deaf & Dumb”

Posted on Thursday, March 3, 2011 in Uncategorized

American Idol is here and is all the rage.

As I checked my email my wife and my mom chatted on the phone about the latest news. What did you think of gospel singing Jacob Lusk?  How about country crooner Scotty McCreery?  Did rockin’ James Durbin really break out a  Judas Priest song?

Frankly, I only care about American Idol because my wife cares; I stopped caring a few weeks ago.

Actually I never cared so much as I sat in wonder.

You might compare my wonder to hockey fans who wait for a boxing match to break out, or NASCAR fans awaiting a crash.  I only watch the first couple weeks of American Idol to see an occasional checker flag singer or a terrible car crash.

I wonder, really wonder, what some of the “singers” were thinking.  Did they just want a little fame and TV time or were they really hopeful?   When they screeched like folding metal were they really hoping to become a “winner”?

What were they thinking?

Were they really nervous or were they lied to by every well-intentioned fool who wanted to prop up their self-esteem?

Perhaps rather than give them the “you can do anything” speech — which was really a lie — they should have sat down their wanna-be never gonna be “singer” and said, “Honey, you are lovable, capable and worthwhile.  You can do great things with your life!  You can sing for us, but you will not win American Idol.”

I Hate Limits.

Sometimes I really hate my limits.  I still rue the day my friend Steve told me, “You have an exaggerated view of your own abilities.” What?  No way!

Truth be told, he was right.

I should not have believed that I could successfully through my dirty folded syrup-laden crumb-carrying paper plate over the church pancake breakfast attendees’ heads without either causing concern, distress or a mess.

I had “an exaggerated view of [my] own abilities.”  I missed the garbage can, but not much else.

My Self-Esteem Civil War

I am at odds with myself. I’m a dreamer in a realists reality.

I’d like to think that I can do limitless things, but I can’t.  I’ve stayed awake chemical-free for three days, but I got exhausted, sick to my stomach and far less efficient.

Excursis – Students do not try to write a semester-long daily journal in three days.  It’s really, really dumb to wait that long to start!

I Feel “Blind, Deaf & Dumb”

I am limited because I will never know what it feels like to be pregnant. I could listen and learn but never experience.

I am blind because I did not know the hardship of being a family member who chooses to use pre-adolescents as 10-12 hour a day cocoa farm workers. I could learn to see through others’ eyes, but hopefully I will never know that economic turmoil.

I am deaf because I do not know firsthand what it’s like to be a foreign anti-American Muslim, but I could.

I am ignorant because I choose what I want to care about and what I do not.  Or, as my friend Jasen queried, “Do you really choose what to care about, or just what you want to care about?”

Either way, I know I’m ignorant!

Do you feel torn between an ideal and reality?  Do you feel dreams slipping into the land of “if onlys”?  If you do, you’re not alone.  Welcome to our embattled Self-Esteem Civil War.

Bring on the comments

  1. I love this. Very relateable

  2. Gina, thank you for reading and your kind and affirming words!

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